Catwoman SynopsisLet me preface all this by saying that I’m not any particular fan of Catwoman. I have nothing invested in the character. It wouldn’t matter to me if Catwoman tried to bring back leg warmers and pink leotards. In fact I might like that, like that a lot.
So it’s kind of strange that even I am pretty disgusted by the upcoming movie version of Catwoman. You know, the one starring Halle Berry and being marketed like the next Tarantino movie in every media outlet sporting the word “Entertainment” somewhere in its title. The beauty of the Catwoman marketing strategy is that the people pushing it seem to be the only folks on the planet who don’t realize how flat out horrendous the material they’re releasing is. How you hand off footage of Catwoman riding a motorcycle without noticing how stupid it is baffles me. Why is Catwoman riding a motorcycle??? Doesn’t seem very catlike to me.
Because I don’t care about the character and have no personal attachment to her, lets just throw aside any further discussion of how faithful this particular take is to its heroine’s origins. I think with something like this you’re safe to just assume from the outset that it isn’t, and move on to bigger and better things like Sharon Stone’s aging and braless bosoms, or Halle Berry’s pseudo career.
The really sad thing about Halle is that she’s made her career out of simply being pretty. Sure she won an Oscar, but only because the Academy got confused and thought she was black. My favorite Halle Berry performance remains her role in The Flintstone’s… as Sharon Stone. Notice how we’ve come full circle. I maintain that she isn’t much of an actress. At the very least, haven’t her flame-worthy performances in the otherwise flawless X-Men movies proven that she has no talent for playing superheroes?
Besides, doesn’t anyone else think there should be a one superhero per actor limit? I don’t want to see Tobey Maguire popping up in the next Superman movie as Clark Kent. Hugh Jackman has no business wearing some other superheroes spandex outfit. Halle Berry is Storm, let’s not confuse the issue by delivering bad dialogue as Catwoman too.
This superhero thing has gotten out of hand, as everyone eventually knew it would. If Punisher crossed the line then Catwoman has clawed the bloody hell out of it and left it for the Man Thing to pick up and drag off into the swamp. The movie isn’t even out yet and it’s already giving the superhero genre a black eye. The footage and photos we’ve seen have to be wildly unrepresentative of the actual product, don’t they? Can it really be this miserable? Normally a movie that looks this bad ends up getting buried in a studio vault somewhere, to be brought out only on holidays dedicated to worshipping Satan or some other Hades bound minor deity. Why is it even being released?
Here’s why: Ass-kicking women sell tickets like Jesus doing the Mexican hat dance. I predict a fifty million opening weekend.
Catwoman Release Date
In Theaters July 23, 2004
Starring: Halle Berry, Sharon Stone, Benjamin Bratt, Lambert Wilson, Alex Borstein, Frances McDormand, Peter Wingfield
Written by: John D. Brancato, Michael Ferris, Mike Ferris, John Rogers
Directed by: Pitof
Produced by: Denise Di NOvie, Edward McDonnell
Distributor: Warner Bros.
External Info: Catwoman Official Website
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