Please excuse me while I laugh uproariously for the next five minutes.

The Hills antagonist and all-around bitch Heidi Montag sat down with In Touch Weekly, telling the magazine, "I plan to win an Oscar. I’m very ambitious." In a related story, I plan to win the men’s all-around gymnastics gold. No word on how my chain smoking and burly frame will affect my quest for gold or how Heidi’s, you know, lack of talent and unlikeable disposition will affect her chances at wooing those Academy Award voters.

I say go for it, Heidi. You’ve already failed at music, fashion design, and finding a suitable love interest not named Spencer; so, it seems to me you should keep this pattern of ineptitude going. Here’s a short list of other things I’d like to see Miss Montag fail at...

Gourmet Chef
Young Adult Novelist
Totalitarian Dictator
Supreme Court Justice
Lunch Lady
The Person Who Shoves Their Face In The Alligator’s Mouth
Weight Lifter
Toll Booth Attendant
American Gladiator

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