Once upon a time, I believed that everyone celebrated birthdays the same way. That time was seven minutes and thirty seconds ago and now that I’ve watched Mental Floss’ video on birthdays, I want to plan the ultimate super party. Super birthday 2k14, as it will be tentatively called, will be a culmination of all the coolest parts of birthdays from around the world. Some may call it excessive, but who will they be to judge? It’s your birthday.

First things first, there needs to be a lot of pinatas flown in from Mexico. Yes I realize the video said they originated in China, but obviously the Mexicans have perfected the art form much like we have with commercializing their food. Next, we need to spread the word and invite 100 people, ala the Nigerians, for a feast of Fairy Bread (Australia) and Yi Mein (China). After that everyone bumps you on the ground because it’s your birthday, BUT you get bumped into a giant chocolate cake and roll around in it while people throw flour on you.

I feel like it doesn’t need to be said, but if any Canadians show up to your party and attempt to put butter on your nose, kick them out. It’s ridiculous, humiliating, and will clog your pores on a very special day. I’m still questioning why anyone thought that was a good idea to begin with. So once you’re all covered in a mess of cake and flour, it’s time for the presents.

If your birthday falls on any value of five (or 21), consider it a Dutch birthday and remind partygoers not to skimp on the presents. Once the presents are safely tucked away announce, that the day isn’t just about you and declare it everyone’s birthday similar to the South Koreans. This will likely liven up the mood and draw away from the fact you made out like a bandit. In an ideal situation, a DJ would be on hand to blast music and further disorient the audience after your announcement. Finally, as the night winds down and people are unconscious from all the partying that took place, shave their heads and sell it for gold and silver. Do all this and you will have the ultimate birthday party and people will commend you on your acceptance of other cultures.

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