Not Brunching There For Christmas

Oh Christmas, a time of family, good will to all men and honey-baked ham. Also, a time of hateful glares, blow-up arguments and honey-baked ham. I guess it all depends if you’re related to the Brady’s or the Bundy’s. Then again, would it really be Christmas without a disappointing malaise lazing over the festivities? I think not. Still, there’s more than a mistletoe’s difference between Everybody Love Raymond level cattiness and Ryan Reynolds interacting with his mother in Just Friends. So, what’s the ideal situation? I’m not sure, but here are five real life celebrity families I have no interest in brunching with tomorrow afternoon.

The O’Neal Family: With Ryan, Tatum and Griffin all being busted within the last year on various drug fiascos, Christmas with this famous family must be one of uncertainty and glazed-over eyes. Can you imagine how explosive this would get if former spouses and girlfriends were invited? Throw John McEnroe and Farrah Fawcett into the equation and you have at least five emotionally unstable psychopaths waiting to explode over hair extension issues, inappropriate line calls, and of course, stolen drug money. No thanks.

The Pitt Family: Okay, let’s remove Jennifer Aniston from the equation and pretend all the recent articles about Pitt-snatching didn’t happen; I would still have no interest in anointing Jesus with these goofs--not with Angelina Jolie still trying to be Mother Teresa. Did you see Fred Clause? You know where spending time with a Saint gets you? Family counseling.

The Manson Family: People always forget Sharon Tate wasn’t the only one murdered by this rabid pack of hippies on the fringe. The goofs disposed of a harmless old couple and later on, Squeaky Frome tried to shoot Gerald Ford. Can you imagine how much more famous the Manson Family would be if they actually assassinated a President? I think my favorite Manson story involves Saturday Night Live. Early on, the Not Ready For Primetime Players did a sketch with Susan Atkins trying to sell knick-knacks made from her own hair. The next week they received a letter saying “Charlie didn’t like it.” So, yeah, go ahead and try to make jokes during Christmas. See how they go over.

Jacob And Rachel’s Family: I know Jacob founded the Twelve Tribes in Israel and all, but for my money, he was a shitty person. Let’s look at the facts: he stole his own brother Esau’s birthright. He got duped into marrying an ugly chick named Leah but then also took her sister Rachel, who he then showed clear favoritism to the point Leah consistently felt inferior and cried almost constantly. Oh yeah, he also slept with two of Rachel’s handmaids because she couldn’t give him sons, even though he already had four by Leah. One of those sons, Jacob stole his own brother’s birthright and was sold into slavery by his own family after obnoxiously proclaiming he would rule over them. And if that unnecessary braggadocio wasn‘t enough, he pranced around in a coat of money colors, which, of course, later inspired a terrible musical.

The Moore Family: Yeah, Watchmen and V For Vendetta are awesome, but Alan Moore’s personal life is a little sketchier. Both he and his wife got involved in a love triangle, which eventually culminated in his wife leaving with their lover. How weird is that? Can you imagine if these three got back together for Christmas and you were forced to join? It would either turn into that Will Ferrell, Chris Walken, Ana Gasteyer sketch with the goat meat or Californication with Charlie and Cokey Smurf’s secretary. I’ll pass on the sloppy second inbreeding.

For more of Cinema Blend's 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS go here

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