Oh Lordy! Did you hear about Don Imus? Don Imus–the radio personality who called the Rutgers’ female basketball team “nappy-headed hos” last year– well, he’s back in the news again after saying, “Of course Pacman Jones is black”, when he was told of the cornerback’s numerous arrests since being drafted by the Tennessee Titans two years ago. Yeah. This is the part where you feign shock and make statements like hatred will never end as long as bigoted and rich old white men continue to corrupt the airwaves with anti-minority rhetoric. Get it all out of your system? Good. Then let’s have an honest talk about Don Imus, racism, nappy-headed hos, free speech, hatred, and racial slurs. Don’t worry: none of your liberal white friends will catch wind of this frank discussion. And if they do, you can just tell ‘em you still vehemently support Barack Obama, affirmative action, and inner city revitalization projects.
Don Imus is a cantankerous blowhard who spews plantation owner propaganda on a near daily basis. He hasn’t been funny in decades, and the majority of his listeners are sixty-something white wine drinkers who tune in obsessively when not diversifying their mutual fund portfolios or hitting up the new crop of interns for potential mistresses. My father used to watch Imus In The Morning. So did my uncles and grandfather. I’m intimately acquainted with his so-called target audience, and I wouldn’t join their old money fraternity for a daily tee time at Augusta.
But you know what? Don Imus needs to be on the radio. The combed-over curmudgeon represents an entire demographic of people–and he does a damn good job of it. So does Rush Limbaugh. And Al Franken. And Al Sharpton. And Jim Rome. And Howard Stern. Like it or not, this country’s walls were fortified with hundred dollar bills. Cash is king, baby. Butt-fuck Adam Smith. Violate Thomas Jefferson’s grave. Just don’t deny the obvious. We live in a Capitalist Economy, and every Tom, Dick, and Harry can belt out their bullshit opinions, provided they’re armed with an original idea, solid financial backing, and a demographic regularly listening. If they choose to verbally molest Pedro, D’Wayne, and Hung with their invisible hand over the airwaves, so be it.
It all probably seems unfair, huh? After all, powerful Don Imus has every resource available to libel the liberals, slander the socialists, and harass the homosexuals, while the oppressed lack a forum to fight back. Boo-hoo. Call the A.C.L.U. You won’t be sucking any sympathy out of me because I seriously could not care less. Exactly zero percent of me gives a shit about Don Imus, the inequality of mass media, and your whiny, he-shouldn’t-say-that facade. You know why? Because none of it makes a difference. Don Imus could piss on a Bible, wipe his ass with a turban, and laugh about the Trail Of Tears at the same time, and it wouldn’t alter the life of one minority in this country.
So, let me him hate. Let him vilify. Let him make broad generalizations about blacks, browns, yellows, red, greens, pinks, purples, and lavenders. He’s the one who sounds like a dumbass. Bigotry is his cross to bare. The last time I checked it’s sticks and stones that break bones. Show me one preopsition that’s punctured a lung. Show me one comma splice that’s cut a throat. Show me one noun that’s numb-chucked a motherfucker to death. That’s what I thought.
Still not convinced you should stop obsessively over Imus’ acidic tongue? Fine. Here’s another reason to unbunch your panties: he was right. No. Stop. Don’t hit the little x on the upper right hand corner of your Firefox. Just hear me out. Imus never said all black people get arrested at seedy nightclubs between the hours of two and four in the morning. That would be overtly, colossally, stupidly racist and a slap to the face of common sense. The majority of African–American citizens are honest, hard-working, and likeable human beings. Unfortunately, a percent of rich and famous black people get up to some stupid tomfoolery now and again.
Listen: I’m not insinuating famous white people don’t break the law. They do. They have children out of wedlock, accidentally shoot their friends while hunting, embezzle billions of dollars a year, smoke methamphetamine, and occasionally, pick up male hitch-hikers, have gay sex with them, and eat their brains. If someone told me, “Hey, did you hear about that guy who got liquored up, went skiing, ran into a tree, and died instantly?” I’d immediately ask if the deceased was a mid-to-late twenties Caucasian wintering in Aspin with daddy’s money. Does that make me a racist? No, it means I have common sense. I might be wrong. I’m sure a few Asians have gotten shit-faced and plastered themselves against trees, but the overwhelming majority of skiing victims are upper-class white males.
Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones was arrested at a strip club after me he made it rain to the tune of eighty-one thousand dollars, asked for his money back, and brandished a weapon, along with his entourage. That felony has black dude written all over it, and we all know it. Just because you wouldn’t say it in order to be politically correct doesn’t make it any less true.
You don’t like what Imus has to say? Don’t listen. You don’t like what I had to say in this article? Don’t read.