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Red Band Rant: Cheerleader Fired For Drunken Antics
By Mack Rawden: 2008-11-06 19:07:12
By now, you’re probably all heard about the plight of poor Caitlin Davis, the New England Patriots cheerleader who was sacked from the team after a photograph of her posing next to a drunken buffoon surfaced on Facebook. I know it’s a little out of character for me, but I was deeply offended by the picture myself. There’s nothing funny about drawing Swastikas and penises on an unfortunate stranger who tempted fate by crossing the forty-five second keg stand mark and paid dearly by plunging into a coma-esque stupor. He doesn’t deserve to wake up with remnants of the Third Reich etched on his bicep. He doesn’t deserve to wake up with crude sketches of male genitalia orgasming into his gaping, drool-filled pie hole. That miserable, hammered-out-of-his-gourd douche bag deserves real humiliation. Shame on those uncreative frat boys for not reaching out of the box. Shame on them for not pausing to be clever or original or at least humorous.
But no---the bleeding heart, politically correct moral-guzzlers are shocked and appalled over the offensiveness of it all. Grow the fuck up and learn to laugh, America. I’ve been written on before. I’ve written on other people before. It’s the price you pay for passing out before Midnight or with your shoes on--or God forbid, both. Oh that poor baby, you all say, convinced your sons and daughters would never partake in drunken tomfoolery or that you, yourself, were not a Sharpie-toting Picasso back in your formative years. Well, chances are, not only has your precious daughter stooped to camaraderie-building binge drinking but she may have even sucked a dick and aborted a few fetuses while partaking. Cry a river over snorting cocaine. Cry a river over hacking into the Dean’s computer to change grades. Cry a river over anything with possible long-term repercussions. But do not flip your shit over something as harmless as a Swastika. 
Oh wait! That’s right. Racism isn’t funny anymore. Drawing Swastikas on your friends is on par with dog fighting and murdering an unborn child (if the mother decided to keep it). Ha, I say. Ha. That’s so poorly thought out it sickens me. The reason Swastikas are drawn on people is because they’re so unseemly. It’s not glorifying racism; in fact, it’s doing the opposite. It’s admitting the prospect of walking around with Hitler’s family crest on your arm is horrifying. No one draws Jesus Christ letting people through the gates of Heaven on an inebriated dude’s left leg. That would be fascinating and relatively interesting to look at.
Grow up, America. Take your preconceived morals, slather them on your favorite Dildo and insert said sexual device into your own ass. Drawing on drunken idiots is the least of our concerns. Actually, I absolutely encourage it---but next time--de-pants the son of a bitch and draw herpes on his ball sack or write AIDS hole on his face. That’s funnier and apparently, less likely to get you fired. Editor’s Note: I’d like to send a shout-out to my college buddy Scruff who once wrote “Captain Ron Was Here” on someone’s ass. Both succinct and poetic. RELATED: red band rant, rant
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November 7, 2008 at 11:08