The Ballad Of Anna Nicole

Thanks to the supercilious greed and inane legal wranglings of an army of hucksters and showboaters, Anna Nicole Smith was granted the rest that eluded her for so long. Three weeks and a day after dropping dead in a Florida hotel room, the onetime Playboy playmate, spokesmodel and reality-TV star was finally buried in the Bahamas today. With cameras following every move, her decomposing body was flown by private plane from a Florida morgue to the Bahamas. From there, a long, white limousine, fly enough for the pimpest mac daddy, carried her body to Mount Horeb Baptist Church and finally, for now, she was laid to rest alongside her son Daniel, 20, at Lake View cemetery. Along the route, hundreds of fans and onlookers cheered the bountiful blonde from Texas who knew how to stir a crowd.

ABC News reports her casket was shrouded in a fluffy pink cloth trimmed with marabou and streamers, name spelled out in rhinestones. Pallbearers carried the simple mahogany coffin from the plane to the hearse. Ironically, neither Larry Birkhead or Howard K. Stern were pallbearers. When Stern exited his car he was greeted by jeers and yells. Birkhead arrived late but wearing a pink tie that coordinated with the service. Estranged mother, Virgie Arthur, both applauded and booed, tried yet again to stop the funeral. As the cortege made its way to the church, she was simultaneously petitioning a Bahamian court to prevent the burial. Fed up as everyone else with her legal wrangling, the court denied her petition and everything proceeded as intended.

The services were private and the lone hired photographer from a private news service will donate proceeds of all photographs sold to the Dannielynn Hope Trust Fund. Dannielynn is the lone member of the family who hasn’t attempted to cash in on Anna Nicole Smith’s untimely, but inevitable death. Services were private, with about one hundred people culled from each camp of the three feuding litigants. However, Slash, the Guns ‘n Roses guitar god was there as was country singer Joe Nichols who performed two songs.

Anna Nicole Smith tried following the path taken by her idol, Marilyn Monroe. She courted the press that followed her everywhere. She was reported, covered, fondled and loved in all settings. A jeans spokesmodel, a weight-loss huckster, reality show nugget or Playboy centerfold, Smith knew which buttons to press to get a response. She was purely American in that sense, the gumption to pick up, dust herself off and try, try again, not caring at all what others might think, striving to ensure her face was in the papers with the reassurance that she was loved. And in her own absurd, obtuse way, provided as normal a life for her son Daniel as she could muster. In the environment that prevailed, however, it was no surprise his end came as harshly as his mothers and Anna Nicole likely knew that. When her son became nothing more than a fatality of her runaway fame, she knew she had lost her anchor and eventually drifted away. Support systems might have come from Howard K. Stern, the stream of lovers who took what they wanted and left her cold when there was nothing left, or even Virgie Arthur, her frightfully litigious shrew of a mother, might have changed something, but instead they either ignored their meal ticket or continued to push her towards the ceaseless flashbulbs, propping her up when necessary with whatever was handy, which seemed to be constantly. Let Anna Nicole Smith rest in peace and leave the rest to the judges.

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