In Spy Kids (and its various sequels) Robert Rodriguez and Danny Trejo set out to create a Machete character who was honorable and uncle-able, while still behaving sort of menacingly and grouchily. This character was later reincarnated as hardworking mad-man-turned-outlaw-killer in a trailer for Rodriguez’s installation in Grindhouse. The new incarnation of Machete is that of a man and a legend. Whether you like it or not, he’s coming to DVD on January 4, 2011. Machete is a man and a violent one. Whether you like it or not, he’s bringing Steven Seagal and Cheech Marin along to tote guns, too. Machete is a man and an alright actor -- and if you want to see a film where Robert De Niro sports a southern accent, where Michelle Rodriguez’s eye patch is bigger than her bra, or that -- drum roll -- introduces Don Johnson, than there you have it: you must rent or buy this film.

The disc will feature deleted scenes that reveal never-before-seen characters, twisting plot lines, and more bloody good action! And while this sounds sarcastic coming from me, in the press release it comes across as more sincere. The Blu-ray disc will come with the increasingly standard physical digital copy, but it's also going to offer an option where BD-Live-enabled Blu-ray players can send a digital copy to an electronic device. Don’t ask me how this works or fails to work; I’m just the messenger.

If guns, explosions, and bombastic fight scenes don’t get you all hot and bothered, I’d suggest you spend some time debating about whether Rodriguez, Alba, or Lohan have the better body. Oh, wait. Since two of the sex scenes are faked -- Jessica Alba is photoshopped in her bit and Lohan found herself a body double -- it looks like those of us who could do without the big guns may be out of luck. With that kind of work ethic, in a chuck, fuck, or marry, I think Michelle Rodriguez could actually win.