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The Film Habit #14 - July 29, 2004 Today wasn’t the best day for writing. I’m in a pretty rotten mood and well I need to vent. So if you’re having a good day, just skip to the “What to Watch” section down at the bottom and keep that sickeningly sweet mood of yours intact. If you don’t and you’re one of the people I’m talking to below, don’t take it personally. Sometimes a guy’s just got to blow, though perhaps I have good reason. I’ll probably think more clearly in the morning and regret all of this. Of course by then it will be too late.
Guilty by Association Film critic’s organizations are often populated by pretentious movie snobs. That’s the conclusion I’ve reached after a couple of months attempting to deal with them (Again! I seem to go through this let’s build contacts phase every six months only to come back to ground with the realization that I’m lousy at ingratiating). Worst of all are online critics organizations, who (though they’d never admit it) deep down feel inferior and slightly dumber than their print brethren and thus think they have to prove how smart they are. Actually scratch that, it’s almost exclusively online critics organizations that suck, more broad based ones like the Dallas Fort Worth Critics Association seem to be fairly alright, if only because they often have no forum for their members to get together and play games of who is smarter than who. Internet groupings prove themselves low by consistently presenting themselves as royal jackasses who spout apologist tripe that labels nitpicking as being “critically engaging” and champions staring at their notepad instead of watching the movie they’re reviewing as noting “themes that are emerging, imagery or compositions that are memorable.” Hey, your company isn’t firing anyone! They’re just doing a little corporate “downsizing.” Most of them are starting to sound like they’re out to impress their freshman English teacher, not tangle with the common folk… who also happen to be their readers.  That’s not to say that all critics are snooty pretenders. I’ve met plenty who I like, most of them either entirely unsuccessful (like me) or patently uninvolved in whatever major critics group they are forced to be a part of (like the new me). But for the most part, successful people who write about movies judge the opinion of anyone without a film degree (or without the ability or willingness to pretend he has a film degree) as unworthy, and are only too happy to kick folks to the curb with a deluge of meaningless and flowery words. That only seems to be magnified when you get a bunch of people like that together in a room and call them a critic’s association. I guess that’s what the professors are teaching students and NYU these days. Don’t worry about saying anything with real substance! Just throw out a lot of convenient multi-syllable labels! If anyone disagrees with you, just dismiss them with a flippant “nice try” and move on secure in your innate superiority.
I’m ashamed. Ashamed to be associated with these people and even more ashamed that it is so necessary I associate and play nice with them. I guess after I publish this, it’ll no longer be a problem. The fake nice barrier has been broken. Just remember, as much disdain as they have for people like me, they have more disdain for people like you, the casual movie viewer. After all, movies are art, and only properly educated people can truly appreciate them. Shame on you for bothering to watch anything! Stay home and pick lint out of your navel you undereducated dullard! For me, the beauty of movies is that they’re for everyone. They’re art yes, but art should bring us all together, not divide us up into little subgroups of who is properly qualified to watch the artwork at hand. My job as a critic is to write for all of you, to entertain you, to inform you. Not to talk down to you, not to teach you how to “properly appreciate” movies. Reviewing movies is just about sharing your opinion with others, not telling others what their opinion should be. I may jokingly issue marching orders for what movies to see, but well, of course we don’t mean it. I guess I don’t always have the “proper” opinion, but who knows what that even means. If loving Bill Shatner is wrong, then I don’t want to be right. Am I the only pseudo-writer out there fed up? Maybe. I’m hoping not. That’s why I’m trying to help build up a little combo called the IAOFC. They’re the little guy among critic’s palavers and so far they haven’t made me want to puke. Meanwhile, I’ll probably cool down tomorrow, forget all of this and go on like always. Is any of this really important? I guess not. I’m not even sure I believe half of what I just said. Let’s forget it and move on to the part where I push you around and tell you what to do. me to defend critical snobbery. What to Watch New movies come out each week. I don’t see all of them, but still feel qualified to tell you which movie you should watch. Feed your film habit from my picks. Lots of movies opening this weekend, including Garden State which I really want to see, but won’t discuss since it’s only opening in New York and LA. We’ll all have to wait a bit before we have a fair chance to see it. The big opener this weekend is The Village and yeah, it’ll probably be number one. I love me some M. Night, but I don’t love me some Village. This is a huge misstep for the once burgeoning director. The Village is a lame ass duck. I know, some people just never get Night’s movies, but I’ve loved all of them up until now. There’s no bigger Unbreakable fan than me. But this… this is a load of blah. The negative buzz is right, don’t waste your time. It’s not scary, it’s not suspenseful, it’s not interesting visually, aurally, or romantically. It’s just a bland, forgettable, occasionally confusing, piece of film which probably wasn’t even worth making. For what it’s worth, Mrs. Tyler loves it and is a little pissed that I don’t see much good in it. Commander Riker returns to the screen, this time in the director’s chair of Thunderbirds. They’ve tossed out the puppets and turned this once nostalgic property into a clone of Spy Kids. I repeat… NO PUPPETS. Unless of course you count Bill Paxton whose acting is often pretty wooden. Then there’s the Manchurian Candidate which would seem to be your smart weekend viewing choice. The reviews are good, Denzel Washington is in it, it’s a remake of another movie that is also pretty good, so chances are that they didn’t screw it up too much. Yeah, The Manchurian Candidate is probably your smart choice… but I have this weird thing for tiny little burgers.  Ok, look I know Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle is probably going to suck. But I love those tiny little burgers! Granted, when they hit your gullet it’s like a belly full of hell, but they sure feel good going down. Oh and I sorta like that John Cho kid and that Indian guy from Van Wilder too. I could wax poetic about how this movie is so socially conscious that it cast two ethnic guys in non-ethnic roles… but those would really just be excuses. The truth is I love White Castle and can’t help but support just about anything with their name on it. Flimsy reason for picking a movie? Maybe so. But those little burgers have attained almost mythic status in my family. I hope they do for you too. Head out and see Harold and Kumar smoke their way to White Castle.
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