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The Film Habit #47 - May 4, 2005 First, apologies: The site has gone completely Star Wars nutty. If that’s not your bag, just ignore it and cut us a break. It’s the end of an era… or something. Fact is, a lot of us are nuts for Star Wars, as you’ll see in the stuff that’s to follow. If you’re not, do your best to humor the rest of us and stand secure in the knowledge that you’re the smarter one.
Ewoks aside, the place will is blisteringly busy, and so am I. If you hear the sound of someone quietly fainting, it’s just me falling out of my chair. Lack of sleep, plenty of whining. The summer movie season is delicious but brutal. Carry on. me with better column ideas. Gold Bikini Fantasy  If it seems like I spend far too much time in this column talking about Star Wars, you’re right I do. Take heart, it’s almost over. In two weeks the last installment of the lame-duck prequel trilogy hits theaters, after which Star Wars will drift off into the more easily overlooked realm of television and bad comic books. With the quality of the prequels, you’d think I’d be relieved.
Instead, I’ve begun frantically purchasing Star Wars merchandise like it’s on a massive, nationwide blue light special. It started with a trip to Target, where I stumbled on a toy isle packed with slightly nerdy men in their late twenties loading their carts with Star Wars merchandise. Suddenly I realized that hey, I want some too! Everybody needs a Darth Vader right? And what about Unleashed Obi Wan? Look at the detail that went into the character’s face. Just look at the craftsmanship!  Later, at home, I found myself on the internet impulse buying Unleashed Princess Leia in her gold bikini. She now sits on a shelf next to Obi Wan, scantily clad and staring at me accusingly. The real low point though was my recent trip to 7-Eleven. Did you know they have Darth Dew? Well they do! Slurpees in deliciously evil Darth Vader flavors and better yet, collector cups sporting Star Wars images and a Darth Vader head for a lid. There’s nothing more shameful than sipping a frozen treat from the head of the dark lord of the Sith while you walk past your neighbors. They don’t understand.
What is it about Star Wars that turns even the most sensible movie buff into a quivering pile of fan-juice? Why can’t I let go? Perhaps it’s because with each new Star Wars movie there’s hope. Hope that this one will be the one that finally recaptures the glory of our youth. Hope that this one won’t absolutely suck. Or maybe we’re all just deluded. So deluded that some folks are already out trying to justify The Phantom Menace as a pretty good flick. In preparation for my Revenge of the Sith screening Thursday, I re-watched TPM and I’m here to tell you it isn’t. Everything we  remember about it is true: Jar Jar is horrible and hogs the film, Jake Lloyd is a hideous actor, the story is plodding and boring, the pacing is off and the ideas about Midicholorians are just crap. On the flipside Liam Neeson is the best thing about Star Wars since Return of the Jedi, the opening sequence is thrilling, and the final dual is fantastic, if ultimately hollow. It’s everything in the middle that’s mind numbing and irritating.
Attack of the Clones is a step better. Yeah, I’m a completist so I re-watched it too, while sipping my Darth Dew Slurpee and hiding from the neighbors. The movie feels more like Star Wars, and while it doesn’t benefit from a great performance like that of Neeson, it also isn’t hurt by Jar Jar and an annoying little kid. The movie moves, particularly in the latter half. It has a little extra sparkle that Phantom just hasn’t. So maybe there is reason for excitement. If AOTC can improve on TPM, perhaps Revenge of the Sith can manage that last bit of improvement necessary to revitalize Star Wars again. If it doesn’t, I have a feeling I’ll still like my gold bikini princess Leia. Despite his best efforts, there’s no way Lucas can fight that Star Wars feeling. I need a lightsaber. meesa with yousah comments on dis. A Sensible Purchase  In between bouts of action-figure buying hysteria, I actually made a couple of more sensible movie purchases. My wife and I have looked everywhere for it, and except for the internet it’s almost impossible to find a copy of Alfred Hitchcock’s Frenzy. We’re both impulse buyers by rote, and thus refused to order it and wait for a package to arrive.
A trip to Fry’s (where a nerd can be a nerd) and we were in luck, they had one copy. If you haven’t seen it, consider it. People often forget about Hitchcock’s only rated R flick, lost in a long post-Psycho shadow. But Frenzy, his second to last film is worth checking out. Hitch wastes the R-rating on a couple of really gratuitous nude scenes, but the thing that’ll stick with you is the brutally realistic strangling the film undertakes. It lingers for what seems like minutes on the neck of a young woman as she slowly suffocates to death. The camera obsesses on the tie tightening around her neck, focuses in on the little nuances of movement in her eyes. No big cuts, no big camera moves. Just her neck, and her face as she’s slowly dying. It’s horrifying. It’s not gory, but it is undeniably gruesome; a grim reminder of the twisted, sick genius of the master. Give Frenzy a look. me with your favorite Hitchcock cameo. A Few Things We Need to Admit 
• Kelly Clarkson isn’t that bad. • Scarface isn’t that good. • The Phantom Menace is not a better movie than Attack of the Clones. Stop trying to sell it. • Ashton Kutcher has never made a really bad movie. • Rock isn’t dead, we’re all just too old to appreciate it. • Hayden Christianson is good at playing a whiny brat. He is not good at acting. • No one normal has really seen Citizen Kane. • Orlando Bloom is a world class model. • The Ewoks aren’t that bad. • You don’t need to have “paid your dues” to make a valid point. • Online film critics don’t “pay dues” anyway, they just watch movies and then beg other people to like what they have to say about them. Then all the ones not interested in making bad horror movies slowly starve to death. me to stop the proliferation of lists. Hot Mail  To prove that someone actually reads this website, guided by the spirit of the hot male to your left (who really ought to do a lot to draw in the ladies), I answer reader mail. your comments to have them read on the… answered here. Let’s see what filled up my inbox this week: Russell Gewirtz: RE: Russell Gerwitz - One reason it doesn't ring a bell is that you've spelled it wrong. I know my name doesn't ring any bells. The Inside Man was my first script. The only TV work I've done consists of two episodes of Blind Justice. I wrote next Tuesday's episode, and when I checked the credits on Tivo, I found my name mispelled. (Unfortunately, I've seen it done all of my life). So I went ahead and Yahoo'd the mispelling, and came up with the CinemaBlend article. SO I thought I'd send out the correction. Josh: Whoops! You’re right. I’ve corrected the spelling of your name in that news story. As someone who’s spent most of his life being called “Josh Taylor” I sympathize. Nothing worse than that. Congrats on the Spike Lee gig Russell. Euni: this is just a feedback on the movie review you wrote on "Oldboy." I normally wouldn't have been bothered enough to write an email to someone about something like this but i just had a sudden urge to straighten this out. it really seems to me like you have no idea what you're talking about. Either you haven't understood the movie or didn't care enough to pay attention while it was on. First of all, Oh Dae-su doesn't "escape." He's let out by his captor when he was on the verge of escaping. Then the octopus eating scene...I guess it may be shocking to a Westerner's eye. But I can't agree with you on that director Park "would do anything to get your attention." He didn't just put that scene in there to shock people. There's symbolism behind every moment of violence in this movie. Daesu requests that he wants "something alive" to eat. His eating a live octopus symbolizes his desire to consume "life" itself. Because he's been "dead" for the past 15 years. The movie doesn't "wander around with love interest." The love interest is a significant part of the whole plot. This movie may not be perfect but i think your reviews contain a lot more "holes" than the movie. From what I've been reading, seems like one either loves it or hates it, but please...the worst you can do is show ignorance when critiquing a film. I hope you'll be a little more cautious next time. Josh: What I said was true… from a certain point of view. Of course I suppose I could go around spoiling the entire movie for people as you’ve done, but then I’m not a self-absorbed, sanctimonious asshole with a penchant for confusing opinion with fact. I’m sure you know the sort of person I mean. Ian:Hi Josh, thought you might be interested in this interview with Troublemaker Digital Studios about their work on Sin City: HERE Josh: Argh! Another pseudo Blog. Just for kicks, here’s the definition of a Blog from Dictionary.com: Main Entry: blog Part of Speech: noun Definition: an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page And now here’s my definition of what people think Blogs are: Main Entry: blog Part of Speech: noun Definition: a trendy term to use in describing your website, even though it is in fact not a blog Ben Frey IV:I have agreed and disagreed with a lot of movie reviews over the years, never have I wanted to write a reviewer over one. I found your review of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" on Rottentomatoes.com under the heading, "Jennings has delivered a film bordering on classic." I, having seen the movie myself and being a gigantic fan of Douglas Adams since I was 10 years old, wondered what others thought of "Hitchhiker's Guide". I went to Rotten Tomatoes and found headings like, "The droll has been made dull, a most inexplicable and unfortunate turn of events for so adored a genius, goofball work as this."-- Robert Wilonsky, DALLAS OBSERVER, " Its greatest fault is that it simply doesn't live up to the reputation – not to mention the radio programs, novels, TV series and text-based computer game – that precedes it." -- Jeffrey Westhoff, NORTHWEST HERALD (CRYSTAL LAKE, IL), "The film bursts the bounds of the first book and stuffs in chunks of narrative that don't belong." -- Lawrence Toppman, CHARLOTTE OBSERVER, and so on. Yours stood out like a sore thumb, like Eddie the Heart of Gold computer being gleeful while the rest of the crew are in the midsts of facing tragic, overwhelming odds. My friends and I all agreed that, while it was mostly written by the late Douglas Adams, it did not maintain the genius of his books, radio, or TV series. The genius was that Adams could word things in a way that made sense, even though in any other context or theorem couldn't. I assume you've read the books, no? Well, to be honest, your review was so overwhelmingly off the mark that people could think you didn't go see the film. Instead, you heard about it from an inebriated 12-year old. Cases in point - "...as the dolphins flawlessly perform their rendition of "So Long and Thanks for All the Fish" you'll realize you're in for one hell of a ride." No. I was wishing that the damn movie would start already. I've never, ever, thought I was in for a wild, crazy time while watching dolphins performing choreography. "The movie lives and breathes Adams's wit..." No. Not even close. In fact, if Adams lived and breathed from the wit only contained in this movie, it could be a good reason for his passing. The movie didn't contain enough wit. It might have if "Adams wit" wrote the film while on heavy doses of morphine. It left out so many funny lines and scenarios that it was a bit embarrassing. It was as if someone who read the books wrote it on his own, at least in the genius-humor department. "...the picture benefits from (Adams' wit)." It would have to, too bad it wasn't enough of Adams' wit for it to benefit from. "I'd have been satisfied with something merely good, Jennings has delivered a film bordering on classic." Bordering on classic? BORDERING ON CLASSIC?!!?! You have GOT to be kidding me! This film was merely mediocre if it stood on its own, with no Adams or novel series. But since it was an adaptation (or at least mostly), it was a sub par "romp" with the usual Hollywood slickness wrapped around it. It could have been infinitely better, but, then again, it could've been worse. The next time I search Rotten Tomatoes or any similar movie site and come across a review of yours, which is surely to stick out like a sore hitchhiking thumb, I'm gonna keep on truckin'. Josh: My one wish is that you’d kept on trucking this time, instead of waiting till the next. Newsflash: The movie got mostly positive reviews. Being able to pick out quotes from a few negative ones doesn’t prove anything other than that you spent a perfectly good Wednesday evening copy/pasting them instead of doing something important… like watching “Lost”. You are the worst kind of fan possible, one who can’t see past his slavish devotion to source material, one who hates anything that doesn’t adhere to his personal vision of how things should be done, one who isn’t bright enough to, like another certain emailer in the mix today, understand the difference between opinion and fact. It is however nice to know that you and your friends agree. Idiocy loves company, and it’s good to know you can go over to your buddy’s house to play card battle games without having to worry about the bother of differing viewpoints that might challenge your already painfully limited intellect. Think of me fondly while hanging out with them in your tighty-whitey’s watching Anime porn this weekend, I won’t be thinking of you. I’ll be watching Hitchhiker’s Guide all over again. God forbid people should get out and support something good. Don’t worry, there’ll still be movies out there for you. No matter how lame he gets, Woody Allen never stops making movies. Hey! Do you like writing for mildly successful movie websites with no guarantee that you’ll ever be paid? Are you over 18? You’re in luck. CinemaBlend.com is looking for writers just like you. If you think you can capture the signature Cinema Blend style as a critic and/or BNN reporter send me an with a few samples and we’ll talk. |
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