How can Aesop's Fables still be the standard? Fables are supposed to teach life lessons with stories people can relate to. But today, boys aren't shepherds, golden eggs are power-ups in video games, and The Fox and the Grapes is an attractive woman in a grocery store.

The Insecure Gargoyle

Once upon a time there was a gargoyle, and the gargoyle was an ugly gargoyle, even by the standards of gargoyles, and it hung upon the uppermost reaches of a massive cathedral and lived in fear, for it was afraid of heights. The gargoyle was so afraid of being so high that the gargoyle cried, and the tears fell down and landed on people and made them very wet indeed.

Well by and by the gargoyle developed an inferiority complex and felt very bad about itself, because, it felt, the only impact it ever had on the world was to drench unsuspecting people with its tears whenever it was overcome by its fear of heights, which was quite often, perhaps every couple of days or nights and for hours on end, and it didn't imagine people were very pleased about it, especially should those people happen to be wearing untreated leather or eating cotton candy at the time, and if there is one thing worse than getting rained on while wearing untreated leather or eating cotton candy, it's getting rained on while doing both at the same time.

So the gargoyle tried very hard not to be afraid, so as not to cry, so as not to get people wet, so as not to melt cotton candy all over their untreated leather garments, and on good days, when the sun was shining, and the birds were singing, it was all very reassuring, but on those dark and cloudy days and gusty nights, it was altogether too scary, and the gargoyle cried, and then it cried about crying, and then it cried about crying over crying, and then the people way down on the ground scurried about, trying to salvage their garments and goodies.

But then one day, the gargoyle noticed that if it concentrated very hard and looked at the very edge of his peripheral vision, it could see that there was another gargoyle around the corner, so it said to the gargoyle around the corner, "Hi," and the gargoyle around the corner said, "Hi," and the first gargoyle said, "Are you afraid of heights?" and the second gargoyle said, "No," and the first gargoyle said, "I am," and the second gargoyle said, firmly but sympathetically, "There's no need to be afraid of heights, because we are anchored into the structure of this cathedral and will not fall," and the first gargoyle said, "Oh," and was no longer afraid.

But by and by came a cloudy, windy, chilly, scary night, and the gargoyle was not afraid, but it started to cry anyhow, and it said to the gargoyle around the corner, "If I'm not afraid, why am I crying?" and the gargoyle around the corner said, "It's raining," and the gargoyle that wasn't afraid said, "Huh?" and the gargoyle around the corner said, "We're built so the rain collects in our heads and spews out our eyes and mouths," and the gargoyle who wasn't crying said, "Ohhh, that's what the water is!" and the gargoyle around the corner said, "Yes," and the first gargoyle said, "That explains why I'm always throwing up, too," and the gargoyle around the corner said, "Yes, it's just rain water." And so the first gargoyle learned that not only didn't it have an inferiority complex but it wasn't bulemic either, and it served the people with their stained leather and molten cotton candy right for going out in the rain with that stuff in the first place, and the gargoyle lived happily ever after.

So the gargoyle around the corner asked, "Why are you living happily ever after?" and the gargoyle that was living happily ever after said, "Because once I was worried that my fear and sadness were hurting other people, but now I learned that they just don't care," and the gargoyle around the corner was so touched that it lived happily ever after too.

The Cat and the Mouse

Once upon a time there was a house with a mouse in it, which is a very bad thing to have in a house if you are also in the house and happen to be afraid of mice and the mouse jumps out in front of you and you scream and hyperventilate and say, "Goodness gracious," and stumble backward and fall over and hit your head on something and then freak out worse because, lying on the floor, there is all the more chance the mouse might touch you.

In this particular house, there was just such a person, and as she was nursing her bruised head, she said, "I shall buy a cat and a band-aid," and so she went to the store and bought a cat and a band-aid. She said to the cat, "I will give you a scratching post and a litter box and a chew toy if you get that mouse," and so she gave the cat a scratching post and a litter box and a chew toy, and the mouse said, "Uh oh."

So one day the mouse was walking around and said to himself, "I hope the cat doesn't jump out at me, because I am afraid of cats." But while the mouse was walking around, the cat was also walking around, and as it happened they were walking around in the same general area, and the mouse saw the cat and screamed and hyperventilated and said, "Goodness gracious," and stumbled backward and fell over and hit his head on something, and the cat would have pounced on the mouse and killed it, except that what the mouse hit its head on was the cat's scratching post, and the scratching post fell over and whomped the cat on the head and knocked it unconscious, and the mouse ran away.

The next day, the mouse was walking around and the cat was walking around, and as luck would have it they were walking around in the same general area again, and the mouse saw the cat and screamed and hyperventilated and said, "Goodness gracious," and stumbled backward and fell over and hit his head on something, and the cat would have pounced on the mouse and killed it, except that what the mouse hit its head on was the cat's litter box, and the litter in the litter box went up in a poof of litter, and the cat sneezed itself silly, and the mouse ran away.

The next day, the mouse was walking around and the cat was walking around, and wouldn't you know it, they were walking around in the same general area again, and the mouse saw the cat and did all that stuff he does before hitting his head on something, then hit his head on something, and the cat would have pounced on the mouse and killed it, except that what the mouse hit its head on was the cat's chew toy, which had a little bell attached, and the bell tingled, and the cat heard the sound and said, "Oooo, chew toy," and chewed on the toy and forgot all about the mouse, who ran away.

Then one day the owner of the house was walking around, and the mouse jumped out at her, and as she was nursing her freshly bruised head, she said to the cat, "I thought I said I'd give you a scratching post and a litter box and a chew toy if you got that mouse, and I gave you a scratching post and a litter box and a chew toy, and you didn't get the mouse," and she threw the cat outside and slammed the door shut.

So the cat sat there.

By and by, the cat got up and rang the doorbell, and the owner of the house answered the door and said, "Yessss?" and the cat said, "I would have gotten that mouse if you had not given me a scratching post, which whomped me on the head, or a litter box, which sneezed myself silly, or a chew toy, which tingled. So, you see, it's all your fault."

And the owner said, "Thanks to you, I have learned to be stingy and uncaring toward those who serve me," and she let the cat back in the house, but only after she took the scratching post and the litter box and the chew toy and set fire to them, and the cat caught the mouse and ate it, and bits of the mouse stained the carpet and grossed out the owner, who saw the blood and screamed and hyperventilated and said, "Goodness gracious," and stumbled backward and fell over and hit her head on something which was on fire, because the fire that was burning up the cat toys had spread to the drapes, and the whole house burnt down.

The Rooster and the Egg

Once upon a time, there was a rooster, and the rooster woke up one morning and discovered that an egg was underneath him. He got up and said, "Roosters do not lay eggs," and then he paused and thought very hard, which is a difficult thing for roosters to do, and then he added, "At least, I have never heard of a rooster laying an egg before," and the rooster thought harder still, and then he said, "Yes, I'm quite sure that roosters do not lay eggs."

And the egg said, "Well, if you're sure, then I'm sure," and the rooster said, "Good. Then we are in agreement," and the egg said, "But the fact remains, I am here, and so someone must have laid me," and the rooster said, "Don't get smart with your elders, boy, it ain't respectful," and the egg said, "I did not mean to be disrespectful," and the rooster said, "I told you to cut it out," and the egg said, "Ok," but the rooster said, "You don't exist, and that's that."

The egg was silent for moment, but youth is petulant, and finally it could contain itself no longer, and indeed it quite abruptly ceased at doing just that, for the egg cracked, and a baby chick emerged and said, "I will not be denied!" and the rooster said, "Why, that was an awfully short incubation period," and the chick said, "Why, yes it was," and the cracked eggshell said, "Ow."

The rooster and the chick lived happily ever after, but they never did figure out how a rooster managed to lay an egg. Mrs. Pickawaddle the Chicken knew very well, however, for it was she who slipped the egg underneath the rooster when he was sleeping, which just goes to show that men are stupid, and women can outsmart men all to heck, and fool them too, should they please, and that's why this story is a progressive piece of feminist allegory, or at least it would be if it didn't portray women as uncaring and irresponsible parents, not to mention conniving, but to her credit Mrs. Pickawaddle did in fact put the eggshell back together with a bit of glue and set it on the mantel next to the portrait of dear old Gramma Chicken, and the eggshell spent the rest of its days in significantly less pain thanks to her humanitarian efforts, and the rooster was a drunk anyway.

I've got two things to say: ROFL and AWW! You're dang good Absy! Keep on writing!

More stew please!

:lol

I've got two things to say: ROFL and AWW! You're dang good Absy! Keep on writing!

Oh, no, I'm sorry! It's not mine. I found it on Rinkworks (www.rinkworks.com). Although, I'm sure that I could come up with something like this! *hmmmm* Me thinks I might have something to do next week.

**Note -- These aren't mine. I wish they were, but they came from another site.**

The Very Sad Tooth

Once upon a time there was a tooth named Dennis, only nobody knew his name, including himself, so everybody just called him "the tooth," including himself.

Well, one day the tooth was sleeping, and he woke up, and all the other teeth were looking at him and pointing at him and laughing at him, except for the pointing at him part, because teeth can't point. And the tooth said, "Why is everybody looking at me and not quite pointing at me and laughing at me?" And the other teeth said, "Because you have a hole in your forehead!" and the tooth said, "Really?" and the other teeth said, "Yes," and the tooth said, "I'd like a second opinion," so he enlisted the aid of an independent consulting service known as the tongue, and the tongue felt around and said, "Yup, that's a hole, all right," and charged him two fifty plus tax for services rendered.

And the cavity said, "I could have told you I was here for free, if only you had asked."

So the tooth was unhappy, and food got stuck in the cavity, and the cavity said, "Mmmm," because the food was pumpkin pie with whipped cream, and the more the cavity ate, the bigger it got, just like fat people.

But by and by, the mouth opened wide, and a stream of fluorescent lights poured in, and a drill showed up and said, "Yah-hah, helpless teethlings! Prepare to meet your DOOM! Rrreeeooor! Rrreeeeooor!" and the drill spotted the tooth with the cavity, and the tooth said, "Uh oh," and the drill pounced and said, "Grdrgtdrdgdrdtdgdtdgrrdtgdrtg!" for a while.

And all the teeth heard the noise stop, and they gradually opened their eyes, and they looked at the tooth and gasped in horror, and the tooth said, "What's wrong?" and then, "Why can't I feel my most of me?" And the cavity said, "Huh, I must have hit my growth spurt," and all the teeth agreed that the cavity was very much bigger, and the tongue said so too and charged two fifty plus tax for services rendered.

So the tooth said, "Oh no, I am grievously injured," and he was very sad.

But just then, some goop came by and said, "Hello, I am some goop," and all the teeth said, "Hi, some goop," and the some goop said, "I am so sad, because I am no use to anyone," and the teeth said, "Why's that?" and the some goop said, "Because all I am is some goop. Nobody likes goop. People throw goop away, because goop is no use to anyone," and the teeth said, "Aw, that's too bad," and then, "I'm hungry," because teeth have very short attention spans and aren't very bright, except for the wisdom teeth, get it? Haw haw.

But a curious thing happened just then. The goop just happened to fall into the cavity, and a pair of metal instruments just happened to tuck it in and apply some radioviolet ultraheat radiation, and suddenly all the teeth looked around and gasped in awe and admiration, and the tooth said, "What? What?" and the teeth said, "Where did you get that cool tiara?" and sure enough, there upon the tooth's forehead was a beautiful silver diadem (though not quite a crown, get it? Haw haw!) and the some goop said, "Whoa, I'm beautiful!" and the cavity would have said, "Help, I'm smooshed!" but he wasn't there anymore.

And all the teeth figured the tooth was pretty special, and they said, "The tooth is our new king!" and they called him "King Tooth" because nobody knew his name was Dennis.

And King Dennis, better known as King Tooth, was a kind and benevolent king for many years, until somebody threw a punch and knocked him out, but even then, in the medical waste facility, the tooth and the beautiful some goop were the best of friends forever and ever. And the goop learned the value of self-respect, and the tooth learned the value of having a hole in your forehead.

The Thingie and the Thingies

Once upon a time, there was a thingie. The thingie knew that it was something more specific than just a thingie, because it lived in a house where the people called things thingies, because they could never think of the right word, and so the refrigerator was a thingie and the desk was a thingie and the picture on the wall was a thingie on the thingie. But the thingie didn't know what kind of a thingie, exactly, it was, and so it wondered at its purpose in life.

So the thingie went to another thingie, and the thingie asked the thingie, "What kind of a thingie are you?" and the thingie said, "I am a mirror," and the thingie said, "What do you do?" and the mirror said, "When people look into me, I show them what they look like," and the thingie said, "Am I also a mirror?" and the mirror said, "Maybe so!"

So the thingie perched itself on the mirror and waited for someone to look at it, and by and by someone came in to shave, and the someone looked at the thingie and frowned and said, "I cannot see myself, because this thingie is in the way," and the someone took the thingie and put it away.

"I guess I am not a mirror," said the thingie, but it did not give up its quest, for it saw an open package of thingies, and it asked the thingies, "What kind of thingis are you?" and the thingies said, "We are cookies," and the thingie said, "What do you do?" and the cookies said, "When people eat us up, they get cavities," and the thingie said, "Am I also a cookie?" and the cookies said, "Maybe so!"

So the thingie stuffed itself inside the package, next to the other cookies, and waited for someone to eat it, and by and by someone came in to eat a cookie, and the someone looked at the thingie and said, "This is not a cookie," and then, "I cannot eat this at all," and the someone took the thingie and put it away.

"I guess I am not a cookie," said the thingie, but it did not give up its quest, for it saw a thingie on the ceiling, and it said, "What kind of thingie are you?" and the thingie said, "I am a light bulb," and the thingie said, "What do you do?" and the light bulb said, "I shine with light so that people can see," and the thingie said, "Am I also a light bulb?" and the light bulb said, "Maybe so!"

So the thingie concocted a plan with the light bulb, and the light bulb unscrewed itself from its socket and lay down on a table for a nap, while the thingie stuffed itself into the socket and waited for someone to turn it on. And by and by, someone turned it on and said, "This thingie does not make light, because it is not a light bulb," and the someone took the thingie and put it away.

"I guess I am not a light bulb," said the thingie, and just then someone came in and took the thingie and put it up to its nose and blew snot all over it and threw it in the trash.

:lol

Wow, it's been awhile since I lasted posted one of these!

The Rooster and the Egg

Once upon a time, there was a rooster, and the rooster woke up one morning and discovered that an egg was underneath him. He got up and said, "Roosters do not lay eggs," and then he paused and thought very hard, which is a difficult thing for roosters to do, and then he added, "At least, I have never heard of a rooster laying an egg before," and the rooster thought harder still, and then he said, "Yes, I'm quite sure that roosters do not lay eggs."

And the egg said, "Well, if you're sure, then I'm sure," and the rooster said, "Good. Then we are in agreement," and the egg said, "But the fact remains, I am here, and so someone must have laid me," and the rooster said, "Don't get smart with your elders, boy, it ain't respectful," and the egg said, "I did not mean to be disrespectful," and the rooster said, "I told you to cut it out," and the egg said, "Ok," but the rooster said, "You don't exist, and that's that."

The egg was silent for moment, but youth is petulant, and finally it could contain itself no longer, and indeed it quite abruptly ceased at doing just that, for the egg cracked, and a baby chick emerged and said, "I will not be denied!" and the rooster said, "Why, that was an awfully short incubation period," and the chick said, "Why, yes it was," and the cracked eggshell said, "Ow."

The rooster and the chick lived happily ever after, but they never did figure out how a rooster managed to lay an egg. Mrs. Pickawaddle the Chicken knew very well, however, for it was she who slipped the egg underneath the rooster when he was sleeping, which just goes to show that men are stupid, and women can outsmart men all to heck, and fool them too, should they please, and that's why this story is a progressive piece of feminist allegory, or at least it would be if it didn't portray women as uncaring and irresponsible parents, not to mention conniving, but to her credit Mrs. Pickawaddle did in fact put the eggshell back together with a bit of glue and set it on the mantel next to the portrait of dear old Gramma Chicken, and the eggshell spent the rest of its days in significantly less pain thanks to her humanitarian efforts, and the rooster was a drunk anyway.