Cogito
05-31-2003, 09:09 PM
I just read B1ade's review of The Transporter (http://www.filmhobbit.com/cgi-bin/movies/movies.cgi?action=showreview&review=transporter)...
And last night, I saw The Transporter...
B1ade claimed that The Transporter wasn't a very good movie. In fact, the words and phrases he uses to describe this flick, might even lead you to think that The Transporter is a downright bad film! And I gotta say, B1ade is a very, very, very kind man. A kinder man than me. It's a very good review actually.
But for my part, I gotta say that The Transporter is one of the most awful flicks I've ever seen. I'd need a very fat thesaurus of explicit words and phrases to truly convey the decrepid nature of this film. It is utterly unbelievable. A six-year old could have come up with a more convincing plot, character interactions, dialogue -- hell, it'd be an insult to six-year olds, to accuse them of having created this, unless the kid was under the influence of drugs, suffering a seizure, and being a goat.
The ludicrously bad horror-film "Coven," made by Mark Borchardt, as chronicled in American Movie (http://www.filmhobbit.com/cgi-bin/movies/movies.cgi?action=showreview&review=amermov1999) is better than The Transporter.
It blows my mind that Luc Besson could have anything to do with this. The dialogue is absolutely retarded.
The plot is senseless.
The motivation for the characters makes no sense whatsoever.
Here's the plot:
- The main guy is a super-duper car-driver, and works as a getaway-driver, but also transports things from point A to point B.
The first mission, he picks up some robbers, but objects when he sees that there are four of them. The deal was three robbers (at a specific weight -- he's such a precision driver that he adjusts the shocks on the car to accomodate the load -- now I don't know shit about cars, but even I know this is complete BS), he insists, and refuses to drive away. He has a special James Bond-like code thingie that ensures that only he can drive the car, so they can't shoot him. The robbers does the only logical thing (note: sarcasm): they shoot one of themselves, push him out the door, and Mr. Transporter drives away.
Next mission, he delivers a package: A bag, 50kg. But for no apparent reason, he breaks one of his rules: Don't ever look inside the package. He opens the trunk when he hears thumping. The bag moves -- apparently there is someone inside it. At 50kg, it's either a female, a child, or possibly a midget. It is, of course, a gorgeous woman, tied up with duct-tape over her mouth. I figured that perhaps he'll set her free, but noooooooo. He cuts a small hole in the duct-tape, and gives her some juice, through a straw. A little later, she has to go potty.
What would you do, in this situation? If you answered "Tie a really, really long rope around her neck and let her walk off into the forest," then maybe you have a career in the exciting and lucrative field of crime. This woman is REALLY clever, though. If I'm ever in the same situation, I'll have to remember her trick: She took the rope off from around her neck -- and then she ran away! Beauty AND brains! Mr. Transporter eventually decides that gosh, even women don't take half an hour to go pee-pee! He traces his rope and to his utter astonishment, he finds the clever gal gone.
Of course, he finds her, and carries her back to his car, over his shoulder, with shapely ass decoratively up in the air.
Now, you'd think that if he had enough sympathy to feed her, you jus might think he'd not hand her over to violent criminals, but nooooo. And you might think that all that considered, that another of his rules -- no improvisations and modification to the deal, would be a bad rule to be broken at this point. But nooooo. He accepts a job on the spot, to transport a metallic briefcase.
They claim the briefcase weight to be 1kg, which is just a silly little detail, considering all else that is wrong with the flick, but a briefcase that small would weigh more than 1kg even if it was empty.
And of course, the thing is filled with explosives. And of course, The Transporter is having a nice cup of tea at a restaurant, when it blows up.
The rest is just more banal dialogue, frequently interrupted by things blowing up, and car chases.
It is SOOOOO BAD, you'll literally grasp your skull with both hands and just go "OMFG!" and laugh out. It's THAT BAD.
And last night, I saw The Transporter...
B1ade claimed that The Transporter wasn't a very good movie. In fact, the words and phrases he uses to describe this flick, might even lead you to think that The Transporter is a downright bad film! And I gotta say, B1ade is a very, very, very kind man. A kinder man than me. It's a very good review actually.
But for my part, I gotta say that The Transporter is one of the most awful flicks I've ever seen. I'd need a very fat thesaurus of explicit words and phrases to truly convey the decrepid nature of this film. It is utterly unbelievable. A six-year old could have come up with a more convincing plot, character interactions, dialogue -- hell, it'd be an insult to six-year olds, to accuse them of having created this, unless the kid was under the influence of drugs, suffering a seizure, and being a goat.
The ludicrously bad horror-film "Coven," made by Mark Borchardt, as chronicled in American Movie (http://www.filmhobbit.com/cgi-bin/movies/movies.cgi?action=showreview&review=amermov1999) is better than The Transporter.
It blows my mind that Luc Besson could have anything to do with this. The dialogue is absolutely retarded.
The plot is senseless.
The motivation for the characters makes no sense whatsoever.
Here's the plot:
- The main guy is a super-duper car-driver, and works as a getaway-driver, but also transports things from point A to point B.
The first mission, he picks up some robbers, but objects when he sees that there are four of them. The deal was three robbers (at a specific weight -- he's such a precision driver that he adjusts the shocks on the car to accomodate the load -- now I don't know shit about cars, but even I know this is complete BS), he insists, and refuses to drive away. He has a special James Bond-like code thingie that ensures that only he can drive the car, so they can't shoot him. The robbers does the only logical thing (note: sarcasm): they shoot one of themselves, push him out the door, and Mr. Transporter drives away.
Next mission, he delivers a package: A bag, 50kg. But for no apparent reason, he breaks one of his rules: Don't ever look inside the package. He opens the trunk when he hears thumping. The bag moves -- apparently there is someone inside it. At 50kg, it's either a female, a child, or possibly a midget. It is, of course, a gorgeous woman, tied up with duct-tape over her mouth. I figured that perhaps he'll set her free, but noooooooo. He cuts a small hole in the duct-tape, and gives her some juice, through a straw. A little later, she has to go potty.
What would you do, in this situation? If you answered "Tie a really, really long rope around her neck and let her walk off into the forest," then maybe you have a career in the exciting and lucrative field of crime. This woman is REALLY clever, though. If I'm ever in the same situation, I'll have to remember her trick: She took the rope off from around her neck -- and then she ran away! Beauty AND brains! Mr. Transporter eventually decides that gosh, even women don't take half an hour to go pee-pee! He traces his rope and to his utter astonishment, he finds the clever gal gone.
Of course, he finds her, and carries her back to his car, over his shoulder, with shapely ass decoratively up in the air.
Now, you'd think that if he had enough sympathy to feed her, you jus might think he'd not hand her over to violent criminals, but nooooo. And you might think that all that considered, that another of his rules -- no improvisations and modification to the deal, would be a bad rule to be broken at this point. But nooooo. He accepts a job on the spot, to transport a metallic briefcase.
They claim the briefcase weight to be 1kg, which is just a silly little detail, considering all else that is wrong with the flick, but a briefcase that small would weigh more than 1kg even if it was empty.
And of course, the thing is filled with explosives. And of course, The Transporter is having a nice cup of tea at a restaurant, when it blows up.
The rest is just more banal dialogue, frequently interrupted by things blowing up, and car chases.
It is SOOOOO BAD, you'll literally grasp your skull with both hands and just go "OMFG!" and laugh out. It's THAT BAD.