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E! True Hollywood Story
THE ABDRIGED SCRIPT
INT: Lounge
FADE UP:
A title card displays "E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY"
AUDIENCE:
Oooh, wonder what fascinating rags to riches story of the Hollywood A-list it will be this week
A SECOND TITLE displays "HEATHER MILLS"
AUDIENCE:
Wha? Who? Isn't that the daughter of that really old British actor guy who should be playing Alfred in the new Batman movie? No? Who the ****?
INT: CHEAP LOOKING OVERLY-STYLISED SET
PRESENTER (smug, impossibly perfect teeth)
Welcome to True Story. This week we bring you the heart-rending tale of a small town British girl who rose from nothing, overcame adversity and then became famous for... er...
(shuffles through NOTES)
er...
(looks to PRODUCER off camera. PRODUCER shrugs)
Well I'm sure the insincere voice-over will let us know...
What follows is a MONTAGE of FAMILY PHOTOS and SCANT TV APPEARANCE STOCK FOOTAGE interspersed with interviews with LEECHING FAMILY 'FRIENDS' and Z-LIST CELEBRITIES.
These scenes are accompanied by EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE MUSIC.
INSINCERE VOICE-OVER
Heather Mills was born in a small town in Britain, England sometime after the birth of John Lennons son Julian or something.
Heather was considered by some a pretty girl...
AUDIENCE
Yeah. ****ing beer-goggled people.
INSINCERE VOICE-OVER
...who soon found work as a "model". Being the 80s this required two things. Really really badly permed hair that made Heather look about 10 years older than she was and the need to expose her breasts to improve the "glamour" section of her CV...
AUDIENCE (splutter juice)
****ing c-list soft-porn star??!?!
INSINCERE VOICE-OVER (continues)
Which obviously needed much improving as she did a lot of these glamour "modelling" shoots. Paris fashion show surely beckoned.
MUSIC becomes DARK and FOREBODING
INSINCERE VOICEOVER
But tragedy struck. And so did a motorcycle. Severing one of Heathers legs.
(dramatic PAUSE for effect)
Much like something out of Marvel, only less exciting. This triggered a chain reaction which lead Heather from glamour modelling to becoming a travelling freakshow model. Showing off her bit plastic leg to anyone who would want a peek in exchange for money for charity.
(more MONTAGES)
Soon however, Heather realised she'd been saving so much for charity that she now no longer had any money of her own. Fast approaching 35 her ability to be desirable with her boobs out was leaving her fast. Something had to be done.
(deliberate pause for COMMERCIAL)
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INSINCERE VOICE-OVER
Yeah, where were we, I'm ****ing falling asleep here... Is this really the best we could come up with... oh shit we're back... Erm..
Welcome back. Yes, Heather, now desolate and with no personal income because she never had a real job in her life and was unqualified for anything other than thong-bikini work which her ass had long since lost the ability to do needed cash and needed it fast...
PAUL MCCARTNEY enters.
INSINCERE VOICE-OVER
Then at her last ever charity party she met senile 85 year old ex-Beatle PAUL MCCARTNEY. Still grieving over the loss of his wife, Linda, Paul found solice in Heather... and the fact that he could FINALLY EAT A ****ING REAL STEAK AND NOT THAT QUORN SHITE. (cough)
Anyway, never missing a trick, Heather put out on a first date and promised him lots of kids. In exchange Heather got a marriage without a pre-nup ensuring financial support from her multi-million pound husband and a neat little lump sum pay off when he finally kicked it. Having about a 40 year age gap ensured Heather would still have plenty time to spend it herself.
(show scenes of MEDIA UPROAR)
The tabloids went wild accusing Heather of gold-digging. But unfortuantely old Paul was too far gone in his senility and, much like Harrison Ford, was far to into shagging a girl half his age, to care...
AUDIENCE
Even if they ain't that pretty
PRESENTER
Um..yeah. So that about covers it, see you same time next week. Adios.
FADE OUT to CREDITS
__________________
I know who I am! I'm the dude playing a dude, disguised as another dude!
Last edited by crappertay; 11-28-2003 at 08:39 AM.
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I'm sorry, but frankly the only thing even remotely interesting about her is she's married to Paul McCartney. Ok, so she has a prosthetic leg. Big deal. 
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