"Opinions are like assholes - everyone's got one," as the saying goes. So how do you ensure that packs of gamers sniff your noxious hole of an article? Just follow these simple steps and you'll be well on your way to being a full-fledged traffic whore.

(And yes, I realize I'm criticizing methods that I've used in the past and will probably use in the future.)

First, pick a widely popular game - preferably a former Game of the Year and, even better, one that's exclusive to one platform or another. What you're looking for here is a game that people are have very strong negative or positive opinions on. A good example, which we'll use for the purposes of this article, is Halo. Now, you probably have your own opinion on this game. What you need to do is stretch that opinion into an outrageous claim of epic douchebag proportions. If you like Halo, you would say something like "Halo is Jesus in game form!" If you dislike the game, you would say "Halo is worse than playing 'Doctor' with your creepy uncle!"

This statement will be your headline. You might be thinking, "But wait, that's not actually my opinion." That's not the point. You're not supposed to be giving a sober analysis of a topic. You're trying to be so obnoxious that when the average web surfing gamer sees your headline on a news aggregator website like Digg, they have a strong reaction to it. Gamers have a tendency to think it's their personal responsibility to defend a game's honor against critics or that they need to tear it down because zomg it's so overrated. When they see your headline, they'll rush to your article and begin posting comments about how completely right or retarded you are. Ideally, they'll get into an argument with another person posting comments and a flame war will begin. What's great about this is these gamers will then keep visiting your same article over and over just to tell another commenter "no u" or "lol f*ck off fanboy!" We call those upstanding gentlemen "returning visitors."

However, to get your article to be noticeable enough, you still need to do some more tweaking. First of all, you need to incorporate numbers into it somehow. For some reason, people eat an article up with a fucking spoon if it's a list format. I think it's because lists are shorter than normal articles and by god, who wants to deal with all those damn words and paragraphs when you're trying to read an article? The reader wants to get down to the comments section as quickly as possible and there's no point in delaying him. However, if we're making a positive piece about Halo, don't just change the headline to "Ten Reasons Halo Is Jesus In Game Form!" Make it "Top Ten Reasons Halo Is Jesus In Game Form!" It's absurd to say that there's ten reasons that are absolutely more important than all the others - but absurd is just what we're going for!

Also, see if you can incorporate sex into the headline even if the article has nothing to do with sex at all. Any article involving sexuality rockets to the top of news aggregator websites as if by magic. If Blizzard changes the boob size of female characters in World of Warcraft by a centimeter, I guarantee you'll see an article at the top of Digg the next day with virtual nipple comparison shots. Your final headline should be something like this: "Megan Fox Naked Shower Scene Top Ten Reason Halo Is Jesus In Game Form! E3 Booth Babe Pics!!!" Hell, I'm aroused just from writing that - imagine how some gamer who doesn't know the article is completely nonsexual will react! Also, give your article's images names like "jennymccarthynude.jpg" - trust me, you'll get huge traffic from Google Image Search.

You might be asking, "So wait? What do I actually write in the article itself?" Here's the best part: it doesn't fucking matter! Even if readers ended up hating your article, you still got them to visit your website! Traffic is traffic, baby!