I've read some of the reviews of Ubisoft's launch title for the Xbox One, Fighter Within. I read them but I didn't think much of them. I believed that the game was bad in a way that just showed a blatant disregard for content fulfillment or poor delays from reading movement input from Kinect. What I didn't expect was that the game was going to be as broken as it is.
Angry Joe let loose a very damning gameplay session that requires very few words to describe. The video is embarrassing... not for Joe & Joe, but for Ubisoft & Microsoft. How on Earth did this game pass certification?
I'm kind of jumping ahead, though. Let's set up what goes on in the video and then break down the epic fail that follows.
So after the very bad Kinect-driven options menu gets them into the game, they have to wait for what feels like forever for the game to load and then they start doing their bit. It doesn't help that there's a several second lag delay between what Joe & Joe are actually doing and what's happening on the screen. Still, it doesn't take much to recognize the brokenness that is Fighter Within.
Beyond the terrible load times – and it's shocking it takes the game so long to load compared to Killer Instinct, especially given that Killer Instinct looks and plays far better than Fighter Within – the game has some very strange and hilarious glitches thanks to either bad programming, bad QA, bad animation scripting or bad Kinect data inputs. Either way, it's bad.
Early on Joe manages to glitch his character's leg and it's apparently an infectious sort of thing because it spreads to another character, but not first before getting Angry Joe to burst out into a hilarious fit of laughter.
It looks like the guy took a bottle of Viagra and then things went sideways and it broke his thigh from his hip bone, and then got lodged there. If this happened in real life, most doctors would assume you just tried to sodomize yourself, failed and then broke your own leg in half because it couldn't fit in your underwear.
I can say this much: the glitch certainly lives up to the “Xbone” moniker.
I guess he really "broke a leg" huh? Someone ought to throw him a "bone", eh? He's really got a "leg up" on the competition, am I right? Am I right?
Anyway, when Joe transfers his “xboner” to the chick he fights in the next match, it makes it even more hilarious. The result is that it's hard to take the match serious – aside from the fact that the fights are already pretty atrocious and the fighting looks like trash – when the one character is supposed to be looking all sexy but appears to have a gender identity crisis breaking through her leg, just like the other guy.
And did you see those boob physics from 1999? Dang, did no one show Ubisoft any of the recent Dead or Alive games? I'm pretty sure Team Ninja would have taken pity on this abomination and given them some boob physics for free, because it might have been the only thing next to that "xbone" glitch to save the game.
Anyway, I wasn't completely convinced that the reviews of Fighter Within were justified, but seeing this video and how awful the input lag is, how awful the graphics are, how awful the glitches are, how awful the load times are and how awful the fighting is, I guess it's a good thing I didn't give Ubisoft the benefit of the doubt and take the plunge to pick up a digital copy for the Xbox One.
Heck, from the palm tap-dancing that's supposed to be punching, to the excruciating load times, this game is more broke than Mike Tyson.
Thank you, Angry Joe, for the laughs and for saving me the heart ache that would have ensued from buyer's remorse.