GAMING BLEND

Microsoft Won't Sell Xbox One Without Kinect

By William Usher 2014-02-26 02:33:41 discussion comments
There are three things gamers hate most about the Xbox One.

The first and most important is Kinect... well, no. First and foremost, they hate that the Xbox One is a media center and not a true gaming machine (hence the flaccid attempts at hitting 1080p). Next to its limp-dick abilities at sub-1080p outputs, the one thing that gamers hate most about the Xbox One is Kinect... well, not really – it's the fact that the system is $500. But next to the high-as-a-mid-tier-call-girl price – which is about equivalent to maybe an hour or two worth of coke snorting on the weekend by Charlie Sheen – the one thing that gamers hate most about the Xbox One is Kinect... Kinect 2.0. And guess what? That's right, you guessed it (against your better judgment): Microsoft won't be selling an Xbox One without Kinect... not any time soon, anyway.

Following news about the Xbox One's first price cut in the UK, Eurogamer [via ReviewTechUSA managed to get in word with the UK marketing manager for the Xbox brand, Harvey Eagle – that's a badass name by the way. Harvey, you should be thankful your parents were neither drunk nor depressed when they named you, but were probably coming off a high of watching a John Wayne movie after reading the biography of Buford Pusser – and here's what Eagle had to say about the Xbox One possibly being sold as a standalone unit away from Kinect...
“[Kinect is] integral to the Xbox One experience"..."[A Kinect-less Xbox One] is not in our plans at all,"

"As we've said from the very beginning, we believe Kinect is an absolutely integral part of the Xbox One experience."

"Look at all the thousands and thousands of game clips that have been posted by gamers to Upload Studio, of their gaming highlights, captured by speaking the words 'Xbox record that', which has already become part of Xbox vocabulary,"

"It's a really great example of how Kinect makes the experience on Xbox One even better."

It's funny he should mention the Upload Studio and the Kinect's microphone prompting people to say “Xbox, record that”. Because one smarter-than-a-seed-in-a-pile-of-dead-leaves gamer pointed out that the only worthwhile aspect to Kinect are the voice commands (which are kind of shoddy, by the way).

The above point is to say: a $2 microphone attached to a $75 device doesn't make that $75 device worth the asking price.

Technically, you could still just use the headset... or Microsoft could have just embedded the mic into the Xbox One, and you still could have received the same results.


All that is to say: excusing ancillary features that don't require a $75 camera, but a cheap mic you could get from eBay via China in a couple of days and for less than what you would pay to have that retired-lumberjack-turned-prostitute that lives around the corner, to give you oral service – is probably one of the worst ways to justify the inclusion of Kinect with the Xbox One. More than anything, Eagle should be pointing to games utilizing Kinect to the utmost... assuming there were any worthwhile games to point to.

Nevertheless, until Microsoft can justify the $500 price tag (which is getting cut over in the UK), they'll continue to ram-rod the Kinect onto the railroad of packaged Xbox One units; they'll be taking that gravy train and plowing it straight through consumer rights-ville. But they won't stop there, oh no. Just like their buddies at the NSA, they'll be slinging out that schlong and slapping you across the face with it, while shoving it right into the mouth of your privacy rights.


Yep, whether you like Kinect or not, Microsoft is pumping that rocket ship with enough spy-fuel to shoot that device high up into the gaping hole of your wallet, letting spill free $500 worth of your hard earned money, and splooging your dignity all over the floor like... well, you get the picture.

Anyway, there's nothing you can do about it except... shut tight the legs of anticipation. And until they offer up the Xbox One without the NSA's free ticket to the pornofication of your rights, keep firm the lock on your monies. For there is nothing that gets change enacted faster from the Micro 'S', than when you hold the wallet.

(Main image courtesy of Swanky Butters)
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