Thinking About Buying Ride To Hell: Retribution? Watch This Video First

By William Usher 2013-06-27 12:48:13 discussion comments
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You know that new game that just came out called Ride To Hell: Retribution from Eutechnyx and Deep Silver? You know, that biker game that's sort of like Full Throttle meets Sons of Anarchy? Well that game may not be what you're thinking it's going to be, and a new video lays out all the flaws for you in an open and honest fashion.

TotalBiscuit has a brief Let's Play session with Ride To Hell: Retribution and unlike other reviews out there totally baking the game in an oven of criticism, dropping 1 out of 10s, 2 out of 10s and 3 out of 10s like they were working a runway at New York fashion week, Biscuit goes one step further and actually lets you see the game in action and all the horrible flaws for yourself.

The video pushes it into gear after the 5 minute mark and there's something kind of mesmerizing about the whole affair that kicks in and keeps you watching. All the meanwhile if you're the kind of gamer like myself, where despite terrible review scores you're thinking to yourself “That reviewer wouldn't be able to tell the warts on his arse from the lips on his face when looking into a mirror, I'd rather give the game a shot anyway” the video above creates enough disillusion to let you know that the game is not worth the price of admission at all.

Now, usually I'm done for low-budget games like I'm down for cheesy low-budget movies, but what we have here isn't even cheesy enough to be considered a good or enjoyable game. What we have here is a load-fest filled to the brim with an indistinguishable 1960s era backdrop, laugh-riot dialogue and cringe-worthy cut-scenes.

The game sets itself up for failure once that opening scene jumps into gear and you're given zero context for anything. However, what makes it worse on the level of gameplay is that there isn't much gameplay. All the Road Rash sequences are mostly pre-scripted so it's not really possible to lose – heck even Full Throttle had more challenging road combat than this game. The fist fights are probably the only part of the game where you have some measure of control but they're done so poorly that it's impossible to count them as a redeeming feature for a game that basically cruise-controlled itself right off the cliff of quality.

There is, however, one thing I should point out as a possible reason to play the game: the cheesy, porno-style sex scenes where the characters stay fully clothed. The dry-humping, the over-the-top music and the ridiculous camera angles make an NSFW event of greatly hilarious proportions.

While most reviews will talk about the game in a technical way, finding the flaws from the obvious palette of reviewer criticisms, I think TotalBiscuit's non-review is funny enough to give anyone an idea of what they're getting into if they decide to drop $30 for the game.

If you're a PC gamer you might do better putting that money towards two or three games on Steam like Garry's Mod and getting some motorcycle add-ons if you want to drive around on a two-wheeled beast of road fury. Alternatively, if you want a good game with good replay, you do better checking out Don't Starve or Joe Danger. If you're looking for a game with some boobies (and presumably better done than the sleazily hilarious stuff in Ride to Hell) then there's always Leisure Suit Larry Reloaded. On consoles, I would just suggest getting The Last & Damned and calling it a day.

But for the love of gaming, you really want to steer clear of Ride to Hell: Retribution.
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