The clock struck midnight and the world held its breath, waiting for an apocalypse that never came. Its the year 2000, and on December 31, 1999 doom bringers and nay sayers predicted an apocalypse for the new millenium. But when the midnight bell tolled, the world breathed a sigh of relief for the four horsemen never rode.... or did they?

On January 1 we thought the worst was over, but then the first of the four horsemen rode, in the form of Mission To Mars. Audiences across the nation flocked to theatres to see the long awaited Brian DePalma flick, only to be bashed in the face by the horror of poor writing and even poorer direction. Mission To Mars promised so much, but in the last 20 minutes, threw it all away as it devolved into a hokey 2001 wannabe.

Americans fled their theatres, hoping that perhaps now the worst was over, but then the second, and perhaps most insidious horsemen rode onto the scene, and his name was Battlefield Earth. John Travolta's homage to his "god" L. Ron Hubbard proved not only to be a dissapointment, but clearly one of the worst movies of all time. Bad effects, bad acting, bad script, bad direction, horrible sound effects, but Travolta is in denial about the evil he has wrought upon the world.

Just when it began to seem like all hope was lost, a dim light broke on the horizon... Gone in 60 Seconds. Gone in 60 Seconds was a simple film, about guys, cars, and stealin. Not a smart film, but a fun film, and if nothing else, it gave the world a breather before the coming of the third of the four horseman of the apocalypse was to ride.

But there was more good news for the earth, as the light grew brighter still with the release of Gladiator. Audiences delighted in watching Russel Crowe bathed in a pool of gladiatorial blood in ancient Rome. Critics raved, moviegoers cheered, and the 2 dark horsement were almost forgotten, until......

Thunder! Lightning! Earthquake! Enter the third horseman, Jon Woo's Mission Impossible 2! Tom Cruise, Jon Woo, Mission Impossible, a match many thought was made in heaven, but Woo and Cruise perverted and twisted the Mission Impossible vision, turning it from its original righteous course to one of evil overdone special effects and pointless badly written drama.

And with this third horseman, the world was covered in darkness. But good was not to be defeated. Enter the X-Men, savior of mankind. The X crushed and put an end to Jon Woo's madness. Said Wolverine "That's enough of that bub." Not since Superman had superhero drama been brought to this level. The money flowed, people talked sequels, and the world basked in the glow of a new golden age.

But with a fourth horseman yet to ride, critics the world over waited in fear, knowing that he would soon reveal himself. To announce his coming, he was preceded by dark heralds, which appeared and then quickly faded from the scene. Chief among these was Duet's starring Gwenyth Paltrow and Hewy Luis. Anytime you make a film about Karaoke, this is a great injustice indeed. Duet's faced such oppostion, that it was forced to dissapear as quickly as it came driven off Film Hobbit outrage and audience horror.

When would the fourth horsemen ride? When would he reveal himself? The fourth horseman was the most indidious yet, for he was already here. Dressing himself as an agent of good, he garnered critical praise and suckered audiences into watching. That horseman is Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Disguising itself as a good film, Crouching Tiger tricked millions into watching, but it was all a sham to hide hideous FX, bad acting, and even worse writing. Many are perverted, and fall prey to its sway, copying its tactics to lure yet more audiences into seeing bad films. Beware The Grinch!!!

The Fourth Horsmen's campaign will not succeed. As the year 2000 draws to a close, an army of Hollywood saviors race into theatres in an attempt to bring audiences joy. Led by Night Shylaman's Unbreakable, these films bring laughter, love, and joy to audiences the world over. Some, like Unbreakable even make you think. And as each of these wondeful films manages to capture number one at the Box Office, Remember The Titans, Meet The Parents, Unbreakable, What Women Want, Cast Away... we can all breathe a sigh of relief. The Apocalypse is over. And as 2000 draws to a close, audiences are again safe to bend over and pay 3.50 for a large soda at their local theatre. Free refills!! Where are the free refills????? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!