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12 Days Of Christmas: Wham!'s Last Christmas
By Music Blend Staff: 2007-12-17 16:58:08
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Wham!’s Last Christmas Unlike the majority of late December jingles that are well, happy, Wham!’s “Last Christmas” is a bitter resentful diatribe about a scorned man and the harlot who used him as little more than a shoulder to cry on. As Carson McCullers would say, the heart is a wounded hunter, and this song’s narrator has his gun out, furiously searching for big game. Like a criminal profiler for the F.B.I., our own Karl Spork has spent the last week attempting to infiltrate the dark recesses of the anti-hero protagonist’s mind. Its taken him to the dark edges of Christmasy abyss, but he’s finally completed his in-depth character study. Here is “Last Christmas” as seen through the internal monologue of the narrator... Every Christmas needs some revenge and jealousy. There isn't any holly or caroling anymore. We post-modernists deck the halls out with burning spite and scorching malice. Merry Christmas dear, I got you this big box of misery because I want to spread it around. My friend was friends with this girl. We met at his last Christmas party. We were pretty loaded and boy did we go at it. I was her Santa. I went down her chimney, ate her cookies and stuffed her stocking before unwrapping a creamy present all over her stomach. Never talked to me again. I still want to be with her, but fuck her, she rejected me. I haven't seen her since, and now she's at this stupid Christmas party I'm at. I'm gonna stay away from her and drink eggnog until I'm verschnigget. Maybe my internal bitterness will disappear as it's replaced with resplendent holiday nutmeg. Hopefully I start tripping real good. I heard that shit's like ecstasy, except you get real dizzy, feel sick and don’t poop for a week. I think I'm going to make a play for that girl over there. Maybe she'll drink so much I can lay a good hate-fuck on her. Bring me some closure so I can ring in the New Year's in style and with a clear conscience. Perfect, yet haunting, if you ask me. If you’re still not sure, listen to “Last Christmas” below and realize how dead-on-balls-accurate it is... Read all of Cinema Blend's 12 Days of Christmas features in other sections by clicking here. RELATED: wham, 12 days of christmas
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