5 Confessions From The Music Blend Editor

Paranoia. Paranoia. Everybody’s coming to get me. It’s the end of the world as we know it; so, all I can do is pour some tea for two and speak my point of view. But it’s not sane. No, it’s not sane.

It’s been a long year, my dear readers, and I’ve engaged in more unseemly activities than Amy Winehouse and Jessica Sierra put together. Drugs, booze, animal sacrifice, heckling old women- I’ve done it all. And the one cohesive string binding all those debaucherous nights together was music. Rock N Roll, rap, blues, 80s pop-a beautiful, nostalgic background of singable choruses and funky basslines. Since I’m not the most spiritual person, I can’t saunter into a dusty booth. I can’t pour out my promiscuous soul to the local preacher. I have only you, my dear reader. So, here are my deepest, darkest, music confessions for the year 2007.

Number 5 The song in question? Total Eclipse Of The Heart by Bonnie Tyler Hoped up on Keystone Light and liberal feelings of acceptance, I attended a local drag show with a few of my buddies. I was underwhelmed, even bored, for the first thirty minutes, but everything changed when I eyed a seductive pre-op tranny. With hair rivaling Cher (“If I Could Turn Back Time” era), she sauntered onto the stage and let loose for a chaotic, sweaty seven minute rendition of “Total Eclipse.” As she gyrated and winked at the predominately gay crowd, I stood up and walked to the stage, depositing a wrinkled five dollar bill into her hot pants. Abe Lincoln would have be so proud.

Number 4 The song in question? Harper Valley PTA by Jeannie C. Reily My iPod’s Play Count shows its been spun three times as much as “Stairway To Heaven.” Sorry, Jimmy Page.

Number 3 The song in question? Hero by Enrique Iglesias I was wrist deep in heated foreplay with a buxom, chubby co-ed. As she slobbered on my neck and ranted about our government’s unfair, anti-environmental policies, I realized my excitement level wasn’t exactly at a fever stiff. In quite possibly the gayest move of my entire life, I rolled out of my bed and grabbed the computer. Turning the volume up to eleven, I blasted “Hero.” Whatever helps you perform, right? Sometimes I need help--toned, Latin help.

Number 2 The song in question? Our Lips Are Sealed by The Go-Gos It was the first song I transferred onto my new computer. What can I say? They’ve got the beat, and I giddily clap along. Plus, Jane Wiedlin was the singing telegram girl in Clue. That makes her so much hotter.

Number 1 The song in question? In The Middle by Jimmy Eat World This track took on new meaning after a series of boozy bad decisions that saw one of my best friends and I entertaining the same lady friend. When whispers of the incident hit my roommate’s ears, he cranked “In The Middle” at full volume. My buddy and I belted out the lyrics while the poor girl quietly escape with her shame and stains on her dress. Classic.

Any musical sins you’re ready to confess? Post them below.