I dedicate this to all the pretty girls.
All the pretty girls.
All the pretty girls in the world.
And the ugly girls too.
Cause to me, you’re pretty anyways, baby.
It’s Friday! That means most of you are creeping toward the end of your weekly forty hours of servitude, but unfortunately, for the humble author of this column, I’m stuck in Cinema Blend’s Indiana offices all weekend. Why? More than half the CB Staff has headed to Mormon Paradise, Utah, to cover Sundance. Naturally, by some curse of God, I’ve chosen to remain and bring you Amy Winehouse (1) articles. In the freezing cold. Goddamnit! At least one of our readers has to be a travel agent, right?
Here’s a quick rundown of what you’re about to see for all the readers unfortunate enough to have stumbled upon this mess heap of associations for the first time. Like Templeton (2) from Charlotte’s Web, I’ll sniff, scrounge through, and eventually shit out the most important music-related stories of the previous week. In an unimportant gag that serves no real purpose other than to bind the article together, I’ll count all celebrity references in parentheses, hoping to snag 50 by the time this grouping of words gets egg on your face. Fired-up? Than like John The Baptist’s (3) head, I’m off!
Another illegal distributer of HGH and steroids was busted earlier this week. Rappers 50 Cent (4), Wyclef Jean (5), and Mary J. Blige (6) were all found on the client list. I guess Roberta Flack’s (7) song wasn’t the only thing killing Wyclef softly. Seriously, though, who’s next? Authors, maybe. Check back next week when Sue Grafton’s (8) name is dragged through the mud after syringes are found in her home.
Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty (9) made headlines, as he does every few days, after details about his new muse became public. I freely admit she’s hot, but I miss the old days. You know, when everyone just humped I’m With The Band author Pamela Miller (10) for inspiration.
Rapper DMX (11) was ordered to pay his baby mamma 1.5 Million for child support and emotional distress he caused her after publically accusing the woman of rape. He justified the unlawful sex by saying, “That might sound like some bullshit, [but] is that the only thing in the world that's not possible? Because when I sleep, my [penis] be out.” Well, said, DMX. Well said. Shockingly, the sleep fucking defense didn’t persuade the judge, though I have a feeling it would have worked on O.J. Simpson (12) trial head Lance Ito (13).
The track list for Coldplay’s new album leaked, and I’m pretty excited to hear Chris Martin’s (14) “Leftrightleftright.” Not because I love Coldplay and their underwhelming, overly emotional lyrics but because it can’t possibly compare to Drama’s “Left, Right, Left.” Whatever happened to Drama? I can’t even find them on Wikipedia. That can’t be a good sign. Maybe they bought Sly Stone’s (15) house in the projects after he decided to stop smoking crack and make a comeback.
Presidential candidate Barack Obama (16) has curb stomped Stevie Wonder’s (17) “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” and adopted Bill Withers’ (18) “Lovely Day” as his new campaign theme song. I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know what you’re thinking, but there can still be sunshine without Stevie. Watch Barack prove it as he uses the new track to skull fuck Hillary Clinton (19) and her godawful personality.
The couch featured on the cover of Oasis’ Definitely Maybe is up for auction. It’s a pretty nice looking sofa, but if finding something Liam Gallagher’s (20) ass rubbed up against is your only aim, this author would advise a rendezvous with any hooker on London’s East End. It’ll be cheaper and accomplish the same goal.
Icelandic psychopath Bjork (21) has done her best Thomas ‘Hitman’ Hearns (22) impression on yet another photographer. This marks the second time the singer-songwriter has bitchslapped a tabloid journalist. We here at Cinema Blend don’t condone violence against the media, but we sure as hell do encourage irresponsible, erratic behavior. So, keep on keepin’ on, Bjork. I’ll be there to report your court ordered anger management counseling too.
Outkast’s Big Boi (23) is moving forward with plans to put on a ballet. Who knows? He may join many of America’s greatest minds in finding a lucrative second career. Former President Teddy Roosevelt (24) became an accomplished big game hunter after he left the White House. Acclaimed Doctor H.H. Holmes (25) put aside medicine in favor of killing people. F. Scott Fitzgerald (26) even gave up writing to focus on drinking himself to death. I think it’s pretty safe to say they all made the right call.
The bane of my existence, Radiohead, played an in-store concert for excited fans. The performance was meant to be spontaneous and quaint, but problems arose when more fans than expected showed up. It was eventually moved to a bigger venue to help accommodate as many as possible. Nothing like an intimate moment in front of thousands. That’s probably what disgraced politician Bud Dwyer (27) thought right before reaching for his gun.
Go ahead and file this one under ‘No Shit.’ Notorious wife-beater Ike Turner’s (28) death has been ruled a cocaine overdose. I might have lost faith in the competence of coroners if it’d come back as anything else. In a related story, every Boston Celtics fan over the age of thirty rolled their eyes upon hearing the news, angrily wondering what would have happened if Len Bias (29) hadn’t rolled up his own hundred dollar bill some twenty odd years ago.
Former Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker (30) has filed a lawsuit against energy drink juggernaut Rockstar for using his image without consent. Good call, Travis. You never can be too careful. While you’re at it, why not sue every fourteen year old girl whose cut your picture out of a magazine and pasted it to her wall? There’s no way they all asked permission first. Little harlots!
Soulja Boy’s (31) “Crank Dat” has become the most downloaded song of all time, recently surpassing 3 million sales. Check back in a few years when a broke and desperate Soulja Boy teams up with Dido (32) and Rick Springfield (33) to play your Bar Mitzvah for a few grand. Seems like a good deal. I’d shell out thirty hundred dollar bills to watch Jesse’s Girl Crank Dat White Flag.
Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl (34) and mega-star Beyonce Knowles (35) have decided to play the Grammys despite the continuing writer’s strike. I can’t say I’m surprised about General Beyonce Noriega (36). She’s always been a self-censored bitch, but if you don’t’ believe me, just ask ex-Destiny’s Child members LaTavia Roberson (37) and LaToya Luckett (38). I bet they’d tell you her autocratic leadership channeled Ho Chi Minh (39).
Mick Jagger (40) and Keith Richards (41) have become the latest in a series of high profile exits from record label EMI. With many other establish acts threatening to leave, the once influential company is starting to take on an Egyptian feel. Maybe Robbie Williams (42) will do his best Moses (43) impression and bust into the CEO’s office, shouting “let my people go!” That’s probably too much to hope for, but someone light a bush on fire outside his house and see what happens.
What To Expect This Week: This writer working his ass off to cover for all those bastards at Sundance. We should also have reviews of the new Natasha Bedingfield (44) and Ringo Starr (45) albums. Maybe even a Top 5? You’ll have to check back and see. I can promise you plenty more news, as well.
What I’ve Been Listening To: Sir Mix A Lot’s (46) “Baby Got Back.” I only listen to it though because it sounds like a total prostitute. I’ve also been listening to a lot of Electric Light Orchestra. I know it sounds pretty dated, but you’ve got to appreciate Jeff Lynne (47), even before he hooked up with Tom Petty (48) in the early 90s.
What’s On At This Exact Moment: John Lennon’s (49) “Instant Karma.” It got me. Knocked me right on the head.
That’s all for this week, rock stars. Tune in next week to find out if the Fonz’s (50) motorcycle made it over the shark.
This week’s YouTube clip is from The Wedding Singer. Enjoy.