50 References From This Week In Music: 12/14-12/21

By Mack Rawden: 2007-12-21 22:24:02

Hey there, faithful Cinema Blend reader. It’s your outspoken and often times tactless music editor here. It’s been a hectic week for both the music industry and myself. I’ve journeyed up North to the Windy City in order to spend Christmastime with my folks; Casey Aldridge’s (1) member also journeyed up North, spitting future illiterate delinquents into Jamie Lynn Spears’ (2) Fallopian tubes. More on that later, though.

Those of you who’ve read this column before know the drill, but if any new readers are too stupid to pick up the gist through context clues, I guess I’ll do my best to ‘splain things. In a less than veiled homage to Sir Edmund Hillary (3), I’m going to traipse through, climb on and eventually mount all the biggest music-related stories from the previous week. Along the way, I’ll keep track of every famous person mentioned in parenthesis, with a goal of hitting fifty by the article’s climax. Are you ready? Than like a Ted Kaczynski (4) package, I’m off!

As was previous mentioned, Britney’s (5) younger sister, Jamie Lynn, has been sperminated. The Zooey 101 star is still several months from her seventeenth birthday but several years ahead of the Kentwood, Louisiana first pregnancy median. Ouch. You may remember R&B legend Aretha Franklin (6) had a child at fourteen, but she at least had talent to fall back on. Here’s to hoping her OB/GYN is Jack Kevorkian (7) or H.H. Holmes (8).

In other premarital sex news, British sensation Lily Allen (9) is also with child. The father is Ed Simons (9) from the Chemical Brothers. There’s a joke in here somewhere about his band name and spermicide, but I can’t seem to find it. I’ll let you make up your own.

An all-star concert has been organized in the memory of James Brown (10), possibly the only man in history to be buried in a solid gold coffin. No word on how many teeth mourners had to steal from fellow deceased musician Ol’ Dirty Bastard (11) to make that bling bling burial happen.

The Rock n Roll Hall of Fame announced they will return the ceremony to Cleveland in 2009. In accordance with both the location and the Hall’s arbitrary selection process, Drew Carey (12), Kenny Lofton (13), and former Mayor Dennis Kucinich (14) are all expected to be strong contenders for enshrinement.

Red Rocker Sammy Hagar (15) launched his own radio station. It’s supposed to begin broadcasting around the new year directly from his nightclub in Mexico. Great. The concept of partying along with radio personalities well into the morning is pretty appealing, but I’d advise steering clear of this feed between 6 A.M. and 2 P.M. when the anchors will undoubtably be complaining about their Yokozuna-sized (16) headaches and recanting stories of bonging beers alongside Zelda Fitzgerald’s (17) niece.

Fall Out Boy guitarist Joe Trohman’s (18) hair caught on fire during a performance at Madison Square Garden last weekend. Older readers may remember the exact same thing happened to Michael Jackson (19) while he filmed a Pepsi commercial some decades ago. No word on whether this will turn Trohman into a pedophile, but if anyone sees him carousing with disgraced Congressman Mark Foley (20) alert authorities immediately.

Walking overdose Amy Winehouse (21) was arrested in London for witness tampering in her husband Blake’s (22) assault case. Good God. These two are like a modern day Sid Vicious (23) and Nancy Spungen (24). Check back in a few weeks when she ends up face down in the Chelsea Hotel, and Blake claims to have no recollection of what occurred.

Outspoken singer-songwriter Tori Amos (25) came under fire after she ejected two dim-witted debutantes from her concert. Much to the ire of other concert-goers, Romy (26) and Michelle (27) were taking pictures of each other in the front row and having a good laugh during the gig. Reportedly, the two soro-situtes were quite upset, but things could have been worse. Blind Melon lead singer Shannon Hoon (28) once whipped out his dick and pissed on several fans during an early 90s Vancouver performance. It kind of gave new meaning to his lyric “I like watching puddles gather rain.” Looking back, it’s no surprise he went out like Teenagers’ lead singer Frankie Lymon (29).

Drugged-up caricature Snoop Dogg (30) announced on Monday he would cover The Man In Black Johnny Cash (31). I’m all for fording through genres, but I’m pretty sure Snoop is going to lose some oxen in this game of Oregon Trail. I guess he needs something to do, though, now that Girls Gone Wild buddy Joe Francis (32) has become Richard Ramirez’s (33) prison bitch.

Part of Madonna’s (34) new CD has been leaked by noted producer Timbaland (35). I’d assume this was all a big publicity move, but I’m pretty sure the Material Girl has never teased anything without giving it up a few seconds later. She wasn’t dubbed ‘All The Way May’ in A League Of Their Own for nothing. In a related story, I watched that film the other day and noticed Tea Leoni (36) in the background. She was in Spanglish with Adam Sandler (37) who was on Saturday Night Live, which Sean Penn (38) hosted. Fuck you Kevin Bacon (39).

Former Soundgarden frontman Chris Cornell (40) has filed a restraining order against a crazed fan. Good call. John Lennon (41) and Rebecca Schaeffer (42) both laughed at me when I suggested they do the same. Guess who ended up with the last laugh on that one? No one. If either Mark David Chapman (43) or Robert Bardo (44) are reading this from prison, go fuck yourselves.

What You Should Expect Over The Next Week: The humble, chubby author of this column passed out atop a giant half-eaten Christmas ham. Scalloped corn and rolls will also be likely contributors to my food coma. On the bright side, unlike Terry Schiavo (45) I’ll eventually respond to my family’s poking and prodding. Hey-O!

What I’ve Been Listening To Over The Last Week: Jeannie C. Riley (46)! Remember that broad who socked it to the P.T.A.? Good stuff. She called out the entire town of Harper Valley in what may well have been her only song. Ever. Besides, any song with a reference to Grace Metalious’ (47)classic Peyton Place is worth remembering. I’ve also listened to Blink 182's Enema Of The State twice. Someone please fire me. Any music editor who openly endorses Travis Barker (48) should be shit-canned.

In honor of Jesus’ (49) birthday, here’s a clip of some hillbilly going on a beer run to the tune of Hayseed Dixie’s cover of “Gin and Juice.” The camera work looks like it was done by Michael J. Fox (50), but what can you expect from someone with the YouTube handle “Redneck Casanova”?