50 References From This Week In Music: 12/28-1/4
This one goes out to the one I love. This one goes out to the one Iíve left behind. A simple prop to occupy my time. This one goes out to the one I love.
I hope you all had a safe, drunk-driving free New Years. Unfortunately, I feel victim to one of the classic blunders. No, I didnít get involved in a land war in Asia or face a Sicilian with death on the line, but I did chase tequila shots with multiple glasses of twelve-dollar-a-bottle Merlot. I donít even think Hunter S. Thompson (1) would have downed that poison cocktail.
Most of you probably know what youíre in for with this column, but Iíll give a brief overview for any new readers. Basically, Iím going to frisk and strip search all the biggest music-related stories from the past week. By the articleís money shot, Iíll have reached fifty obscure associations, all noted in parenthesis. Are you ready? Than like Amelia Earthartís (2) radio, Iím out!
Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine (3) was informed his body was being attacked by over fifty parasites. He blamed the amoeba-infestation on the riggers of touring, but Iím pretty sure he just slept with some vile hood rats while on the road. Maybe he should be quarantined along with everyone who has AIDS. Right, Mike Huckabee (4)?
Busty, untalented blonde Jessica Simpson (5) is set to release a country album. Iím all about cheeky pop music (I just played Mandy Mooreís (6) ďCandyĒ like five minutes ago), but Jessica Simpson fucking sucks. Sheís an untalented disgrace to late 90s teenage, pre-packaged pop. Letís hope this genre hoping goes better than Gene Simmonsí (7) attempt at Disco, though I can almost guarantee this abortion will make Dynasty sound like Abbey Road.
A random roadie has claimed Rock gods Led Zeppelin might tour, after all. Thatís not all, though. Former Nirvana drummer and current Foo Fighters leader Dave Grohl (8) might even be taking up drumming duties from 2nd generation Zep member Jason Bonham (9). And why not? He frequently supports Jack Black (10) and Kyle Gass (11) at Tenacious D gigs. Word to the wise: donít get too excited about this reunion. We all know Jimmy Page (12) will eventually make a condescending remark about John Paul Jones (13) being Zeppelinís Tito(14), and heíll storm off in a dramatic huff. It happens about once every five years.
Teeny-bopper fans have been in an uproar this week over a little girlís fake my daddy died in Iraq essay. The adolescent wrote the piece, with her momís help, in an attempt to win Hannah Montana (15) tickets, but she was eventually hoisted by her own petard when organizers you know, fact checked. What a little six year old bitch! In a related story, I had to go to confession after I caught Miley Cyrusí New Years Eve performance. My ass that girl is fifteen. She probably already gets Botox.
Jesus (16) fan Sufjan Stevens (17) appeared with a few notable authors earlier this week in a forum celebrating literature and music, specifically their convergence illustrated in bands like Radiohead and Arcade Fire. I was a little surprised LFO frontman Rich Cronin (18) wasnít invited. After all, his lyric ďWhen you take a sip you buzz like a hornet/ Billy Shakespeare (19) wrote a whole bunch of sonnetsĒ inspired me to start book learniní.
Speaking of Radiohead, angry pretentious Thom Yorke (20) fans shit a brick after I penned an essay entitled Rant: Radiohead Is Distorted Garbage. Apparently, slandering his good name is a vicious crime, the heinous equivalent of which hasnít been seen since Albert Fish (21) ate Hansel (22) and Gretel (23). Newsflash: ďKarma PoliceĒ is still a recorded cockblock of dumb noise, and Iíll still take Barenaked Ladies over that any day.
Beck (24), Iím not that Hanson, Hansen has decided to re-release his brilliant 1996 album Odelay. Iíve cherished that disc for years. Who knew the guy who wrote ďLoserĒ would end up being so brilliant? Scary old man Rip Torn (25) once referred to Beck as a ďhillbilly from outer space.Ē Yeah, thatís about right.
The vastly underrated OK Go are writing songs for an upcoming studio album. I know theyíre probably sick of every writer in the world bringing up the treadmill video, but itís still so awesome. I feel like I should forward them twenty bucks on PayPal for bringing me so much joy. It actually makes exercise look fun. Thatís a sentence I never thought Iíd type. Richard Simmons (26), that putz, should take notes.
Britney Spears (27) reclaimed the most unstable bitch crown from Amy Winehouse (28) the other night. She held her own son hostage in an attempt to ward off police. I wonder if she fed him Baby Ruths. Has anyone else noticed one of her kids actually does look like a miniaturized version of Sloth (29)? Scary. Brit Brit needs to buy Dorothy Parkerís (30) biography. She was a trainwreck too, but at least she knew how to hold her booze.
The Foo Fighters are looking for three lucky string, woodwind, or brass players to join them on stage. Unfortunately, fans will be voting for the winners. If Iíve learned anything from my years of studying pop culture, itís never to let America select anything. Ruben Studdard (31)? James Buchanan (32)? That creepy emo/goth kid from the first season of MTVís Wanna Be A VJ? His defeat of Dave Holmes (33) still ranks as one of the greatest slaps in the face to conventional wisdom in modern history.
The Super Bowl is quickly approaching and Stoner Rock mainstay Tom Petty (34) is set to perform. Heíll follow in the glorious footsteps of previous performers like Brian Boitano (35), Chubby Checker (36), and Travis Tritt (37). Leave it to the Super Bowl to always put forth an underwhelming halftime show. Nothing against Tom Petty, but the NFL could reanimate the corpse of John Lennon (38), and it would still suck more than the Altamont Free Concert where a fan was beaten to death by the Hells Angels as Mick Jagger (39) crooned ďYou Canít Always Get What You WantĒ in the background.
Rock legend Stephen Stills (40) underwent surgery for prostate cancer on Friday. Most people remember the guitar player for his collaborations with David Crosby (41) and Graham Nash (42), but arguably, his greatest contribution to music was the beautiful 1967 hit ďFor What Itís WorthĒ, found in almost every movie ever released about Vietnam.
What You Should Expect Over The Next Week: A ton of news for the New Year and a few more scathing rants. Iíd also like to meet, interview, and possibly seduce my dream girl Vanessa Carlton (43), but I wonít hold out too much hope for that one.
What Iíve Been Listening To: Joni Mitchellís (44) ďBig Yellow Taxi.Ē Sorry, Adam Duritz (45), but your cover just doesnít compare. Iíve also played Men At Workís ďDown UnderĒ more than a couple times. If God existed and had a voice, heíd sound like Colin Hay (46). P.S. No, I donít want any damn vegimite sandwiches.
Whatís On At This Very Moment: Nenaís (47) ď99 Luftballons.Ē Iím still attracted to her, even though she has hairy armpits. Does that make me a bad person?
Thatís it, loyal readers. Iím off to argue about who was hotter: Kelly Kapowski (48) or Topanga Matthews (49). Note: this debate only applies to late high school. Topanga was one frumpy bitch during her freshman and sophomore years.
This weekís YouTube video is from Romy And Michelleís High School Reunion, one of my favorite movies ever. The two protagonists do an interpretive dance to Cyndi Lauperís (50) ďTime After Time.Ē
Music Editor Mack Rawden can always be reached at MackRawden(at)Cinemablend(dot)com.