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Cool town, evening in the city
Dressing so fine and looking so pretty
Cool cat, looking for a kitty
Gonna look in every corner of the city
Hot town! Summer in the city. Well, kind of. The fifty references column is back! Spurred on by CB Staff Writer Ed Perkis (1), I’ve dusted off the old weekly and hopped on the unnecessary association train to nowhere once again. I feel like a hobo who found shelter for the winter but is once again set to board dreary, god-forsaken freight cars.
My NCAA March Madness bracket is in shambles. It caved in on Friday amidst a hailstorm of Eric Gordon (2) bricks. Honestly, the world hasn’t seen that many misfired shots since Lewis Powell’s (3) gun misfired while trying to assassinate Secretary Of State William Seward (4) in 1865. History jokes are fun.
Since this column has been hibernating longer than Rip Van Winkle (5), I’ll give ya’ll a brief rundown of how things work. Like Glenn Close (6) after seeing an excited and injured soldier in The World According To Garp, I’ll slide in all the biggest music-related stories of the last week and thrust until happy endings are achieved for all. Along the way, I’ll keep track of all the absurd and pointless name drops, ideally ending the article with an even fifty. Ready? Than like FBI agent Melvin Purvis’ (7) automatic after spotting the Lady In Red, I’m off.
Former Pavement lead singer Steve Malkmus (8) is back on tour with a new band, the Jicks. Pavement never really broke through during their initial run throughout the 90s, but a small group of hipsters and indie rock fans still obsess over the band. You probably remember them best for writing “Cut Your Hair”, a free-spirited jam played in the background of Jackass 2 while Steve-0 (9) shaved his pubes and taped them on an unsuspecting schmuck.
Sad-eyed piano enthusiasts Coldplay announced details about their new album Viva La Vida. Expect a bevy of singles to hit MTV within the next few months and play twenty-five times a day for the next eight months. Bizarre factoid of the day: frontman Chris Martin’s (10) great-great grandfather William Willett (11) invented daylight savings time. Now, when you show up to work unreasonably early or late twice a year, you know who to blame: Coldplay.
“Like A Virgin” songstress Madonna (12) announced she’ll be releasing her new album on mobile phone one week prior to all other formats. Most outlets seem to be applauding this move as trendy-setting and something the Material girl would do, but not everyone is pleased. Secret Agent Maxwell Smart (13) is reportedly peeved, as his shoe phone doesn’t offer downloading services. Unnecessary Get Smart quote: I'm getting complaints from the landlord about the gun battles in the hall, and the bombs in the lobby, and the knife fights in the elevator.
Painfully skinny supermodel Kate Moss (14) was bitched at by French security guards after getting a little rowdy atop Jim Morrison’s (15) final resting place. Is nothing sacred anymore? said the Lizard King, as he watched the disrespectful display and did coke lines off the stomach of God’s wife.
Rock legends Queen have decided to go forward with an album, sans fallen lead singer Freddie Mercury (16). Tune in next week when Ringo (17) tours as The Beatles and T-Boz (18) records a new TLC album by herself.
Luscious beauty Scarlett Johansson (19) leaked a few promo shots from her new album of Tom Waits’ (20) covers. Sweet Jeeezus. If she sings like she fills out a dress, we might have found our generation’s Aretha Franklin (21).
Plans are moving ahead with not one but two Bob Marley (22) biopics. The uncoordinated motion pictures are both scheduled to be released within the next two years, but the flick being produced by Bob’s widow Rita (23) forgot one thing: to obtain the rights to his music. Wah wah wah. For her sake, I hope it sells better than my anthology of Kurt Vonnegut (24) short stories in which, due to copywrite issues, I was unable to reprint any of his actual works.
The three surviving members of the Beach Boys are no longer suing each other! The trio had been locked in a series of litigation battles for the last decade over whether visionary Brian Wilson (25), affable crooner Mike Love (26) or also-ran Al Jardine (27) had the rights to the Beach Boys name. All seems to be settled now, though, as Love and Jardine were heard harmonizing on “Help Me, Rhonda” outside the courthouse. Here’s to hoping the love continues, and none of these three start hanging out with lawsuit happy Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis (28).
80s Reggae fans UB40 are on the verge of imploding after a series of bizarre monetary allegations. Both keyboardist Michael Virtue (29) and frontman Ali Campbell (30) have put in their two weeks notice, claiming to have been swindled out of roomfuls of money. I guess they know how Blow protagonist George Jung (31) feels. Damn you Manuel Noriega (32)
“Tiny Dancer” genius Elton John (32) has announced plans to play a fundraising gig for heinous bitch Hillary Clinton (33). If I was less of a journalist, I’d rant and rave about her say anything to get elected bullshit, but I’ve been taught by the best and will refrain from pointing out how she reminds me of the daughter Joan Crawford (34) and Pol Pot (35) never had.
Part-time cocaine addict Courtney Love (36) has agreed to prostitute out her late husband Kurt Cobain’s (37) image to sell shoes. The limited edition Converses are programmed to mope for twenty years before having a seven year run of success and going out in a blaze of glory. Editor’s Warning: it should be noted most of your friends will hate your shoes while you have them but will retrospectively martyr them the second they’re gone.
The long rumored Led Zeppelin tour took another strange turn this week, after Slash (38) and Duff McKagen (39) announced they’d be interested in working as a support act. Good call, boys. I’d rather work with Robert Plant (40) than Axl Rose (41) too.
Beleaguered slut Heather Mills (42) had a pretty good week. The vindictive former stripper was given fifty million for briefly sharing the same bed as Paul McCartney (43). In typical bi-polar fashion, she bitched and moaned about the Publisher’s Clearing House-sized check, claiming it wasn’t enough money then wondered why she’s been vilified in the press. Gee whiz. Paul would have been better off marrying Zelda Fitzgerald (44)
What To Expect Over The New Week: A shit-ton of CD Reviews, also the normal CB magic you’ve come to expect. I may also quit in a blaze of glory. I have a good feeling about this week’s Powerball drawing.
What I’ve Been Listening To: Cat Stevens (45). I’ve also played Pete Townsend’s (46) “Rough Boys” more times than I’m willing to admit. Possibly the most randomly homoerotic track ever conceived. Tough boys. Come over here.
What Song Is Currently On? Paul Simon’s (47) “Me And Julio Down By The Schoolyard.”
That’s it, readers. Just like those goddamn half-Japanese girls, this column does it to you every time. Though, unlike Rivers Cuomo (48), I’m not interested in taking a two year hiatus to find myself. Right now, I’d settle on a donut shop open after 2 PM and one of those vintage Farrah Fawcett (49) posters. Sexy.
This week’s Youtube video is “Special” by Garbage because Shirley Manson (50) makes a pretty damn hot fighter pilot...
Cinema Blend Music Editor Mack Rawden can always be reached at MackRawden(at)cinemablend(dot)com
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