Avril Lavigne Plans Magazine, Is an Idiot

The only cute thing that really deserves to be punched, Avril Lavigne, has hopes of branching out of her highly successful (read: lucrative) music career and establishing a celebrity magazine, Music-News reported Monday. She has one stipulation, though: she’s only going to focus on the optimistic.

“I would make it completely positive. There's so much negativity in the world right now,” the punk rock princess said. “I'd pick up the big stories, but they'd have to be positive.”

As working in journalism will teach you, it’s also a good business venture to sell bottled rainbow juice; then one can create a rainbow wherever one wants. Seriously, if Avril hopes to take her magazine notion beyond its verbal existence, she will likely have to consider the fact that bad news is far more popular than good news, and ugly stories about concert venues burning down with everyone inside attract a few dozen times more readers than perky anecdotes about children’s choirs performing for the homeless. (And of course, true journalistic savvy means taking a positive story and making it negative, like this example.)

Other business ventures that capture Lavigne’s interest are her new clothing line, Abbey Dawn, and her upcoming line of cosmetics. However, it should be reported that the machinery used to create these products creates no pollution, and items are shipped via flying pink bunny rabbit, to reduce highway congestion.