DMX No Shows Court, Gets Raped While Asleep

Taking a page of Britney Spears’ play book, rapper DMX failed to show up to court Friday, forfeiting the judgement in a paternity damages lawsuit. In all, the monetary fines totaled 1.5 million, 500 grand for child support and a million for punitive damages. A million for emotional suffering? That seems excessive, though, in fairness to the plaintiff, DMX did tell Sister 2 Sister magazine that he was raped.

I’m not kidding. Here’s the direct quote: “That might sound like some bullshit, [but] is that the only thing in the world that's not possible? Because when I sleep, my [penis] be out.” Huh? My dick flaps in the wind when I sleep too, but it’s yet to hit up the clubs, bring back a skank, and thrust repeatedly inside her. Maybe tonight, though.

According to MTV, DMX’s lawyer wasn’t aware he’d been served and is looking into the matter. Good. I’d hate to see the rapper lose 1.5 million dollar bills he could have used to make it rain. DMX is currently signed to Bodog Music and plans to release a new album sometime this year. I’m not sure what the fuck Bodog is, but if he’d put it on his dick before he stopped, dropped, and opened up some ho’s shop, he wouldn’t be in this mess.


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