Hey Santa,

It’s your old friend, Mack. I’m puffing away on my beloved hookah, Mona Lisa Vito, in the freezing cold garage, and in just a few short hours, you’ll take off from the North Pole like a bat out of hell. There’s a few things I forgot to ask for at the mall last week, and I thought I’d post them on the internet in case your sleigh has a wireless router.

A Jesse And The Rippers Reunion Tour: They haven’t performed together in over a decade, and it’d just be swell if I could see them play “Forever” one more time. I’d also like to adopt Comet even though he’s well over two hundred in dog years.

Prince To Finally Look His Age: That asshole has gotten unlimited pussy for way to long. He needs to move over and let someone else have a look at non-televised boobs for a change or at least tell me what product he uses in his hair.

A Video Of All The Ex-Destiny’s Child Members Egging Beyonce’s House: Preferably, they’d all be at least three Martinis deep and shouting, “Say my name now, bitch!”

David Lee Roth’s Pants From The Jump Video: I’d wash them...twice and than run around screaming “Oww! Baby, how you been?” at every MILF in my neighborhood. At least one of them would decide I was close enough to their pent-up school girl fantasy.

Tom DeLonge Going Back To Writing Songs About High School Chicanery: Tom, just give it up. You’re not going to save music. No one gives a shit about Angels or even Airwaves. I want three chords about getting shit-faced and hitting on hot underage girls.

An Amy Winehouse Overdose: I’m sick of writing a story every time this harlot gets arrested. We all know she’s doing the hokey pokey next to her grave. Why not end it already and save any dignity you have left?

A Cubs World Series: Hey, as long as I’m begging for other things you can’t give me.

Regards
Mack Rawden

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