Dear Santa: Outrageous Wishes The Fat Man Canít Give
Itís your old friend, Mack. Iím puffing away on my beloved hookah, Mona Lisa Vito, in the freezing cold garage, and in just a few short hours, youíll take off from the North Pole like a bat out of hell. Thereís a few things I forgot to ask for at the mall last week, and I thought Iíd post them on the internet in case your sleigh has a wireless router.
A Jesse And The Rippers Reunion Tour: They havenít performed together in over a decade, and itíd just be swell if I could see them play ďForeverĒ one more time. Iíd also like to adopt Comet even though heís well over two hundred in dog years.
Prince To Finally Look His Age: That asshole has gotten unlimited pussy for way to long. He needs to move over and let someone else have a look at non-televised boobs for a change or at least tell me what product he uses in his hair.
A Video Of All The Ex-Destinyís Child Members Egging Beyonceís House: Preferably, theyíd all be at least three Martinis deep and shouting, ďSay my name now, bitch!Ē
David Lee Rothís Pants From The Jump Video: Iíd wash them...twice and than run around screaming ďOww! Baby, how you been?Ē at every MILF in my neighborhood. At least one of them would decide I was close enough to their pent-up school girl fantasy.
Tom DeLonge Going Back To Writing Songs About High School Chicanery: Tom, just give it up. Youíre not going to save music. No one gives a shit about Angels or even Airwaves. I want three chords about getting shit-faced and hitting on hot underage girls.
An Amy Winehouse Overdose: Iím sick of writing a story every time this harlot gets arrested. We all know sheís doing the hokey pokey next to her grave. Why not end it already and save any dignity you have left?
A Cubs World Series: Hey, as long as Iím begging for other things you canít give me.