Eddie Van Halen Picks Up Bottle, Misses Gigs

Fresh off cancelling a handful of gigs last week, Van Halen has nixed their next seventeen scheduled appearances, citing lead guitarist Eddie Van Halen’s need for “medical tests.” The boozed-up and bloated former icon recently joined a slew of trainwreck Hollywood starlets in rehab, and most insiders suspect “medical tests” are nothing more than vague euphemisms for his fall off the wagon. Hell yeah, Eddie. Way to make Diamond David Lee Roth look like the competent one with his shit together.

According to MTV, the tour will resume on the 19th of April in Las Vegas, Nevada, the easiest place in the entire world for an addict to maintain sobriety. Note to Eddie: alcoholism is easily laughed off when you’re under twenty-five, but fifty year olds with an unquenchable thirst for bonging Pabst Blue Ribbons ‘til 6 A.M. on Tuesdays are a little pathetic. Here’s to hoping Eddie finds Jesus or some other way to fight off the bottle and continues to do what he does best: C- renditions of songs written twenty years ago.