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Hey there, faithful Cinema Blend reader. It’s your grizzled and cantankerous music editor here. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but in an attempt to relieve myself of any semblance of real responsibility, I’ve hired five new writers. That’s right: five! If you’re keeping score at home, this means we’ve doubled our staff size. Of course, the newsroom is in chaos right now with all the added faux-mahogany desks, but thankfully, I also shelled out for Dave Davies and a few ex-Menudo members to sort the mess out. They weren’t really doing anything else.
With this new found time, I’ve decided to focus my efforts on a new column (and napping). Every week, I’m going to look back at the previous seven days, cattily commenting on all the unseemly shit that went down. From newly announced tours to Rock n Roll deaths, I’ll infect every piece of news with my vindictive syringe of hate speech. To make it a challenge, I’m going to slide in at least fifty references to lead singers, drunken debutantes, and members of the clergy. Don’t worry, each subsequently mentioned famous face will be followed by the corresponding number. And like the top of punk legend Wendy O. Williams (1), I’m off!
Seventy-six year old Ike Turner (2) passed away earlier this week. Probably best known for covering the John Fogerty (3) classic “Proud Mary”, he teamed with wife Tina (4) for thirteen years before she left after one too many right hooks. People like to pick on the couple’s failed marriage, but it’s important to note Ike failed at marriage thirteen other times. Elizabeth Taylor (5) only pissed on the holy covenant of matrimony seven times. Lightweight.
The Rock N Roll Hall of Fame announced its newest class of inductees this week. The only three worth mentioning are Material Girl Madonna (6), Bloomington, Indiana resident John Mellencamp (7) and “Hallelujah” writer Leonard Cohen (8).
Madonna, definitely not a stranger to failed relationships in her own right, was an easy first ballot choice. Back in 1985, if I was asked to predict which teen starlet would captivate the world for two more decades, my choice would have been Debbie Gibson (9). Hands down. But than Madonna dry humped the shit out of the Video Music Awards stage, and a star was born somewhere inside that semen-stained wedding dress. It’s also somehow fitting this fair-haired seductress who provided so much pleasant whacking material for horny high schoolers unleashed Rosie O’Donnell (10): God’s (11) way of cock-blocking masturbation. Sick. Movie-quoting frat boys also owe the starlet a debt of gratitude, as she featured Borat star Sascha Baron Cohen (12) in her video for “Music” before he was famous on this side of the pond.
As I’ve mentioned on numerous occasions, John Mellencamp is from my adopted hometown of Bloomington, and as a result, I zealously protect his reputation with my scandalous pen and if needed, Bruce Lee (13) roundhouse kicks. New York City can have John Lennon (14). Minneapolis can have Prince (15). I’ll take my man Mellencamp any day of the week. After all, those asses don’t even sing about relevant issues. Richard Nixon’s (16) foreign policy? Boring. Little Red Corvettes? Bitch, please. I want tracks about corn, corn and small towns.
By far the most curious addition to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame (of the worthwhile inductees) is poet Leonard Cohen. The Canuck, far to weird and progressive to ever be a mainstream act, has spent almost his entire career carousing with off-beat personalities inside dark caverns of sexuality and religion. If Velvet Underground frontman Lou Reed (17) and On The Road author Jack Kerouac (18) fused together and impregnated Twiggy (19), they might produce a Leonard Cohen clone. That’s how avant-garde and bizarre Cohen was and still continues to be.
Bloated trainwreck Liza Minelli (20) fell off a stage on Wednesday evening. Her mother, Judy Garland (21), would be so proud. I honestly couldn’t care less how good she was in New York, New York, she’ll always be the scary bitch who beat up David Gest (22) to me. Did you see the bruises on him after that altercation? He looked like Michael Spinks (23) after Mike Tyson (24) hit him with a sack of right knuckles.
Britney Spears (25) is set to play the Virgin Mary (26) in a new independent film. I guess Amy Winehouse (27) was busy. The movie, entitled Sweet Baby Jesus, will follow a knocked-up nineteen year old whose unsure of her baby’s father. A preggers teenage bitch from Maryland with baby-daddy drama? I don’t believe it. That entire state is pretty much a functioning alcoholic. It’s no wonder it was home to both Spiro Agnew (28) and Divine (29).
A Black-Eyed Peas concert was cut short on Monday after the group violated a noise ordinance. Before Fergie (30) exited the stage, she dedicated “Where Is The Love” to the arresting officers. Apparently, the 5-O just smiled and waited. What the fuck? Serpico (31) wouldn’t have bent over and taken it.
In the most obvious coroner-related finding of all time, Quiet Riot lead singer Kevin DuBrow’s (32) death was officially attributed to Brawndo The Thirst Mutilator. Fine. It was really cocaine. You happy now? It’s actually a little off-putting that so many hair metal frontmen are still kicking. Vince Neal (33), Axl Rose(34), and that guy from Whitesnake are all in stable condition. They need to man-up and OD already. It’s the only sensible thing to do. Or at least have the decency to set 93 people on fire. Right, Jack Russell (35)?
Unless you’ve been living under an Andre The Giant (36) sized rock, you’re probably aware Led Zeppelin reunited earlier this week (minus Bonzo (37) of course). All reports seem to indicate they tore the house down, but sadly, I was unable to attend due to not having fifty grand lying around the house. Paul McCartney (38), who probably has piles of fifty grand all around his house, purchased a ticket and was spotted doing his best Tommy Chong (39) impression in the audience. Despite the overwhelming presence of police, he wasn’t arrested because, well, he’s Paul fucking McCartney. Besides, the last time Sir Paul had a run in with a law-enforcement official, he took her to tea and than they boned. True story. If you don’t believe me, just ask lovely Rita (40).
The White Stripes announced they may stop touring due to Meg White’s (41) eternal sadness. Is anyone else picturing her lying in bed, black eyeliner smeared on the pillows, shouting the lyrics to Nick Drake’s (42) “Pink Moon”? We all have problems, Meg. Get your shit together and stop pouting. Or off yourself and join Sylvia Plath (43) and Virginia Woolf (44) in the tortured artist circle of Hell. What do I care? Your band sucks ass anyway.
What You Should Expect Over The Next Week: You’ve probably noticed Cinema Blend’s holiday feature 12 Days Of Christmas which began on Thursday. I covered Frank Sinatra’s (45) ”Let It Snow” and Nikki followed with Nat King Cole’s (46) ”The Christmas Song”. You can look forward to ten more festive follow-ups over the next week and a half. Yay.
What I’ve Been Listening To Over The Last Week: Tom Petty (47), lots of Tom Petty especially 1979's release Damn The Torpedos, a disc worth buying just to see Benmont Tench’s (48) outrageous Bob Dylan (49) hair.
That’s it from me, folks. This week I’ll leave you with a classic clip of Melanie (50) playing “Brand New Key.” You’ll probably recognize it from Boogie Nights. Have a nice weekend, rock stars.
Music Blend editor Mack Rawden can be reached at mackrawden(at)cinemablend(dot)com
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