Get Kanye A Tissue, Can't You See He's Whining?

Don’t let the flashy clothes, bright lights, or over-the-top ego fool you: Kanye West hurts too. Sometimes Kanye hurts so badly he gets mad. Sometimes Kanye gets so mad he types so hard he might break his Macbook Air. Oh, the plight of today’s grossly overpaid, tortured artistes. Poor, unfortunate Kanye.

Now, you may find yourself concerned, postulating why on earth would Kanye be in such dire straits? He beat 50 Cent. He won his Grammy. What earth-shattering catastrophe could rupture him to the point of nearly breaking his precious computer? Did he scuff a pair of sneakers? Are his socks not matching the inside of his jacket pockets? Are they calling him “Kayne” again? No, I’m afraid it’s much, much worse than that: His Bonnaroo performance didn’t live up to the hype, or so they say.

Kanye posted a rant on his blog claiming the reports of his delayed performance at Bonnaroo have been grossly unfair. At one juncture Kanye punctuates his frustration with his set being delayed so that Pearl Jam could delight their monstrous audience for an extra hour by including 94 consecutive exclamation points. How poetic, almost one exclamation point for every minute his set was delayed.

But, let’s make sure not to be unfair to Kanye. Pearl Jam’s extra hour did put his show nearer the break of day, jeopardizing the power of his show. And as with all things Kanye-related, the world remains out to get him. The sun began to rise and Kanye was unable to perform “Stronger,” a song only worthy of a live performance when the sun is kept as hidden as any sense of humility in Mr. West, who wisely chose the Caps Lock button to convey his otherwise unbelievable rage. “ANYONE WHO CAME TO THE GLOW TOUR CAN UNDERSTAND WHY I WANTED PEOPLE TO SEE IT PROPERLY. IT BROKE MY HEART THAT I COULDN'T GIVE THESE FANS STRONGER IN IT'S GREATEST FORM... BY THE TIME I GOT TO STRONGER IT WAS DAYTIME AND IT BROKE MY HEART. I'M SORRY TO EVERYONE THAT I DIDN'T HAVE THE ABILITY 2 GIVE THE PERFORMANCE I WANTED TO. I'M SORRY.”

No, Kanye, we’re sorry. We’re sorry no one cared to hear you after Pearl Jam covered “All Along the Watchtower.” We’re sorry you didn’t get to have your little light show. We’re sorry no one who buys tickets to see My Morning Jacket, Metallica, and Jack Johnson own a pair of your Stronger Shades. We’re sorry Bonnaroo is on a farm, not in the ‘burbs. We’re sorry Fuse chose not to include you in their Live from Bonnaroo broadcast. We’re sorry those heathens threw bottles at you and broke one of your screens. But, most of all, we’re sorry we weren’t there to join them.