Heidi Montag's Pop Music Nightmare

By Rema Rahman 2008-02-05 15:17:14
Heidi Montag…what the hell do you do for a living? I mean, aside from landing on one of MTV’s pseudo- reality shows and perfecting staged photo-ops to show off your fake hoo-ha’s. Congratulations for taking a page out of the Paris Hilton handbook for how to become famous for nothing. My, my what do we have here? Your very first music video for "Higher" from your debut album featuring you frolicking half-naked on the beach barely singing your own song in-synch? You actually do work!

Here, let’s take a gander at this masterpiece. Aww, how cute that you had your skeevy boyfriend-slash-manager film this with a hand-held camera. He must love you so much and is not blatantly using you to make money at all. Also looks like you found the perfect tweeny bopper synth beat to support a nice stack of meaningless lyrics. Your wardrobe switch from a low-cut white beach dress to a teeny-weeny pink bikini should certainly garner some attention from the Milan fashion houses. Seems as though your very passionate about “[taking] it higher/higher” but I can’t tell if that “it” is referring to your dream of one day having your boobs reach your chin.

Granted my rating system for a good pop record is slightly bias. If you manage to top my super secret sing-alongs to Britney Spears’ “Toxic” then you’ve made a great song. Needless to say, you’ve failed miserably Ms. Montag. However, worry not -- your slow decent into becoming a world-renowned softcore porn star is coming along nicely.


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