How To Tell Off Your Girlfriend Via Mixtape

I heard you’ve been having problems with your woman. That floozy’s done you wrong. The bitch reached up high–to the ho-zone layer–and gave your arch nemesis a reacharound. On your birthday. In an Olive Garden bathroom. That’s cold, broseph. Real cold. Don’t worry, Mack is here to save you. We’ll take that streetwalker down a few pegs. No, I can’t advocate using a right hook to exact revenge, but an ironic and timely mixtape can do wonders where your sissy slaps might fail.

I know what you’re thinking: who in their right mind even makes mixtapes anymore?. Well, emo kids do, emo kids and me and Barry from High Fidelity. That’s some pretty sweet company, if I do say so myself. Being the sensitive guy has its perks. I should know, I’m like the world’s friendliest Panda Bear. Unfortunately, unlike your alpha male counterparts, you can’t just go to the bars and grind the pain away on some club slut. You probably don’t even have the balls to confront her directly; so, instead of just moping, why not take heed of my passive-aggressive plea? You down? Fierce.

Alright, let’s get to work on this masterpiece. Start with something sentimental. Do you guys have a song? That ditty that always inspires her to utter some sappy gobbledegook like awww...it’s our song. Great. What is it? Eric Clapton’s “Wonderful Tonight.” Seriously? When are you moving to Florida, you middle-aged cliche? For the purposes of this article, let’s pretend you’re a little less obvious. Cyndi Lauper’s “Time After Time” will do just fine. Slide it into the lead-off slot.

Okay, so, she’s going to be all hot and bothered since you remembered to include “Time After Time.” Keep her swimming alongside this tide of feel-good waves. Go with some acoustic favorites next. Maybe “Wonderwall” or “Collide.” Most women love soft, romantic whispers. And Howie Day. They love that asshole. I do too. If you tell anyone, I swear to God, I’ll call you a liar. If she has a musical IQ over 70, then feel free to experiment a little here. “Good Lovin’” by The Rascals is always a safe bet, as is “Melt With You” by Modern English.

So, we’re about four songs in, and everything you’ve included has been lovey-dovey and bordering on schmaltzy. Hit her with some more happiness. I’m talking crazy, over-the-top joyous. “Dance Dance Dance” by Steve Miller Band would certainly fit, as would “Dance To The Music” by Sly And The Family Stone. You’re looking for peachy, everything’s perfect picks. She should be basking in fucking rainbows, tanning beneath this syrupy sunshine. If Norman Rockwell was still alive and heard your mixtape, he’d roll his eyes at your corny concoction of auditory pleasantries.

Flip the cassette over. We’re onto side two. Your serial fornicater of a girlfriend is probably enthused to hear how you could possibly top the first eight tracks. Remember, this is why you’re dating her. Lord knows she’s not satisfied in the bedroom, but you can still emotionally stimulate better than her well-endowed, manly suitors. Little does she know, you’re about to expose her for the trollop she is. Begin things with a seemingly innocuous song, which works as an elaborate metaphor for what she did to your relationship. Joni Mitchell’s “Big Yellow Taxi” is deep enough. Obviously, she won’t get the subtle simile upon first listen, but she’ll follow the trail of middle fingers back to this gem.

Now, you’re free to slowly heighten the bluntness of your selections. John Lennon’s “Instant Karma” is pretty harsh. I’d also throw in Elvis Presley’s “Hound Dog” because honestly, any girl down with foreplay within five feet of a urinal inside a moderately priced faux Italian restaurant is far from high class. Besides, everyone knows Olive Garden urinals are for coke lines. Why not include George Jones’ “He Stopped Loving Her Today”, as well? There’s no reason why Country Music shouldn’t get in on this catty revenge too. Go ahead and experiment a little here, but the second to last song has to be Hendrix’s “Hey Joe.” We both know you’re not the type to pick up a gun and seek out rogue, Biblical Justice, but it’s fun to pretend you’re capable of corporal punishment rather than crying fits every time Rudy gets that final sack. He just tries so big.

So, where does that leave you? Depending on the particulars, you’ve likely chosen sixteen to eighteen songs, and now you just need the ultimate cocksmack crescendo to your mixtape. Grab a tape recorder and head on over to her parents’ house. Enter through the backdoor and surprise her seventeen year old sister. Make a little small talk and then woo her. What? She’s not going for your Deuce Bigelow advances? Abort! Abort! Damnit, your girlfriend’s little sister and her sultry screams would have been the perfect flavor of icing to top off the mixtape. Man, I bet you would have briefly felt like a badass too. Well, since your hackneyed scheme of surreptitiously seducing her little sister failed, why not be totally honest with yourself? Finish off the tape with Mr. Big’s “To Be With You”, because we both know you’ll keep answering when she calls. You’ll still hold her when she cries. You’re still the one who wants to be with her. And in a miserable, pathetic way, that’s pretty cool.