The coroner’s report on Ike Turner came back today, and to almost noone’s surprise, the cause of death was cocaine overdose. The seventy-six year old had admitted publically he struggled with addictions for years. Still, it’s hard to grasp anyone alive during World War II snorting away their life. Doesn’t the urge to stick illegal substances in the nasal cavity decline along with a dude’s sex drive? At least he went out doing his favorite thing. Wait, that was beating the hell out of Tina. At least he went out doing his second favorite thing. His family must take some solace in that.

According to The San Diego County Medical Examiner’s Office, hypertensive cardiovascular disease also played a significant part, weakening his heart’s tolerance for the old C-Monster. Damn heart. It’ll get you every time. I think what the coroner is trying to say is that a little cocaine here and there is OK, as long as the heart is functioning at full capacity. So, roll those twenty dollar bills up, kids. You’ve got a long night of white substance abuse ahead of you. Remember, it won’t catch up to you for at least another fifty years.

(Editor’s Note: Contrary to what this article may imply, Cinema Blend does not condone the snorting of cocaine or any other recreational drugs. Frankly, we’re abhorred one of our writers would even insinuate it. He will be dealt with.)

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