Ike Turner Snorts His Own Death

By Mack Rawden 2008-01-16 18:14:57
The coronerís report on Ike Turner came back today, and to almost nooneís surprise, the cause of death was cocaine overdose. The seventy-six year old had admitted publically he struggled with addictions for years. Still, itís hard to grasp anyone alive during World War II snorting away their life. Doesnít the urge to stick illegal substances in the nasal cavity decline along with a dudeís sex drive? At least he went out doing his favorite thing. Wait, that was beating the hell out of Tina. At least he went out doing his second favorite thing. His family must take some solace in that.

According to The San Diego County Medical Examinerís Office, hypertensive cardiovascular disease also played a significant part, weakening his heartís tolerance for the old C-Monster. Damn heart. Itíll get you every time. I think what the coroner is trying to say is that a little cocaine here and there is OK, as long as the heart is functioning at full capacity. So, roll those twenty dollar bills up, kids. Youíve got a long night of white substance abuse ahead of you. Remember, it wonít catch up to you for at least another fifty years.

(Editorís Note: Contrary to what this article may imply, Cinema Blend does not condone the snorting of cocaine or any other recreational drugs. Frankly, weíre abhorred one of our writers would even insinuate it. He will be dealt with.)
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