Jack Johnson Hates Carbon Emissions

The world is going green, or so a bevy of enviro-centered commercials would tell you. The push to end treeicide and other appalling crimes against nature has been rapidly increasing, and Jack Johnson has been fighting the good fight alongside Al Gore, Smokey The Bear, and Greenpeace. I wish ‘em the best of luck, but until assholes like me stop turning on the water ten minutes before they jump in the shower in order to reduce shrinkage, I doubt the optimistic efforts will have much of an effect.

This counter-campaign from my friends and I hasn’t stopped Johnson from trying, though. According to Billboard, the stupidly naive singer-songwriter has offered fans a choice when buying tickets for his upcoming tour: either pay face value or impose a one dollar and fifty cent fine on your ticket to help prevent carbon emissions. Thankfully, I have no plans to see Johnson; so, my brain is saved from this internal moral vs monetary debate. You might not be so lucky.

If you are considering donating to Jack and his future children’s trust funds, I’d advise weighing a third option. Take that dollar fifty and use it to inject the nachos you buy at the concert with transfat. Then, smoke three cigarettes and drown out the smell with those old-fashioned aerosol cans. It’s the only sensible solution.