Joe Simpson Finds Gold In Daughter Ashlee’s Uterus

By Tim Peterson 2008-04-19 09:18:47
Last week, Ashlee Simpson and her boyfriend Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy announced their engagement. But, it’s going to be a shotgun wedding. Word broke out this week that Ashlee is pregnant, and already Ashlee’s father, Joe Simpson, is making his rounds with the media to sniff out deals for exclusivity rights.

Is it just me who thinks the man looks at his daughters the way Steve Jobs looks at an iPod? According DailyNews.com, Joe hopes to rake in a million dollars from his daughter’s milestones. Despite Ashlee and Pete’s statement last week asking for privacy concerning their upcoming nuptials, Joe is trying to work a two-for-one deal by shopping rights for the wedding photos in the same basket as the baby photos.

But, remember America, this is the family that whores out every member. Oldest daughter Jessica had a show on MTV with ex-husband Nick Lachey, then starred in a string of horrendous movies that made one yearn for the days of silent cinema. Ashlee of course had her own MTV show, then was caught lip-synching on Saturday Night Live. And all the while, Papa Joe, a former man of God, was in the background squeezing out every last penny.

I think Joe Simpson may be the one person capable of pulling America back from the cliff of an economic recession. But, I wouldn’t be surprised if he would sell advertising on the Statue of Liberty or negotiate a place on Mount Rushmore for the winners of American Idol. I wouldn’t even put it past him to turn Yellowstone into an amusement park. But, I’d be scared to imagine the radio only playing Jessica’s shifty jaw crooning and Ashlee’s deaf cat wailing , no man should be that cruel.
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