Kid Rock Charged with Battery, Waffles Involved

Notorious Kurt-Cobain-imposter-turned-overconfident-truck-driver Kid Rock pleaded innocent to battery charges Monday, after an incident where he allegedly buck-stomped a dude in, of all places, a Waffle House last October. Rock, aka Robert Ritchie, is on the hook for punching and kicking a guy and hitting him with a chair during a late-night stop at the, shall we say backwater establishment outside Atlanta, Reuters reported Monday.

I will secede that the guy deserved it – after all Rock was only trying to be a civil humanitarian by buying everyone in the joint breakfast, which made one of the locals take issue with his cocky ass, but I want to say that the only thing that could make this scenario more white-trash is if Kid Rock dunked the guy’s head into a spittoon. I’m sorry, but hombre tries to act like a rapper handing out wads of cash, then simultaneously sports a wife-beater, doesn’t look like he ever washes his hair, and has a moustache and goatee resembling overgrown hedges. All that needs to be ascertained is whether he does his rap-rock breeding in a kennel in his back yard.

I remember vividly hating this guy when his career started to blossom back in ’98 because he was one of the legion of late-90s sorry post-grunge lamos trying to jump on the Kurt Cobain bandwagon. But now I hate him even more because he’s: a) adapted his undoubtedly industry-given Cobain look into his own creation, which is akin to a country-western meth-cooking WWE wrestler, b) exponentially arrogant, owning once again to his trying to act like a rapper, c) jealous and intimidated by his wife’s ex, Tommy Lee, whom he also got into a scrap with in September at the VMAs in Vegas, and d) now touting Jesus and calling one of his own songs “the best he’s ever written.” My suggestion to his people is to just record 72 hours of stock video footage of him rapping now, because by 2009 he will be above working and will resemble the guy with the cowboy hat in Spun, which won’t look badass rising the roof in a red sweat suit.

I guess the positive side to this is if he is sentenced to the one-year jail term he could be facing, at least he’ll have plenty of time to start reading books.