Linkin Park, Coheed To Suck Together

Linkin Park is the shittiest band to sell a million albums in the history of Rock N Roll. It’s hard for me to even coherently string together a group of insults offensive enough to accurately describe my unequivocal hatred for their suicide-inducing fusion of rap, rock, and polio. I would rather watch a tape of Rasputin eating the Lindbergh baby with a knife and fork than ever listen to Chester scream about teenage angst over CD scratchings again. Unfortunately, I’m yet to amass enough opinion-altering popularity to squash their new rabies-infested tour, but I will plead with you to steer clear away from all the dates listed below unless you’re planning to sneak backstage and t-bag one or more members.

According to Billboard, the six members of Linkin Park will combine forces with fellow feelings wranglers Coheed and Cambria, another band more ill-advised than the United States’ policies in Vietnam. The suckfest will kick off on February 12th and mercifully end on March 8th. There’s no word on why the tour will last less than a month, but I’d bet one or more of the musicians need to return home to refill their Prozac. Douche bags.

Here’s the schedule for those of you without taste...

Feb. 12: Omaha, Neb. (Qwest Center)
Feb. 13: St. Paul, Minn. (Xcel Energy Center)
Feb. 15: Columbus, Ohio (Nationwide Arena)
Feb. 16: Detroit (Joe Louis Arena)
Feb. 18: Manchester, N.H. (Verizon Wireless Arena)
Feb. 19: Baltimore (1st Mariner Arena)
Feb. 21: New York (Madison Square Garden)
Feb. 22: Montreal (Bell Centre)
Feb. 23: London, Ontario (LaBatt Centre)
Feb. 25: Lexington, Ky. (Rupp Arena)
Feb. 26: Nashville (Sommet Center)
Feb. 29: Oklahoma City (Ford Center)
March 1: Albuquerque, N.M. (Tingley Coliseum)
March 2: El Paso, Texas (Don Haskins Center)
March 8: West Valley, Utah (E Center)