Live Earth Review: Snarky Concert Rundown

So here we are, it’s 7-7-07, and time for our biggest and most self-important rock stars to take over the Meadowlands in East Rutherford, N.J., showing us just how much they care and, in turn, how much we all need to care about the growing climate crisis. And to maybe sell a few records based on all that compassion.

Best not take them too seriously, though: If the world ends, we’re all screwed. Famous people too.

Thankfully for us, NBC is running a three-hour broadcast of all things Live Earth in primetime. Since I have no life, it is my esteemed pleasure to keep a running diary of the smarmy festivities. Here goes nothing ...


Live Earth: Play-By-Play

6:59 – The opening montage features an explanation of global warming using children. And we’re off to a sympathetic, cloying start. “It’s not good for humans,” one particularly cute one says, “like me.” I, too, believe the children are our future.

7:00 – 150 artists, nine cities, seven continents, one message: Watch our program. Live Earth, brought to you by NBC.

7:01 – They’re predicting this will be the biggest ever music event about global warming. I’d go with the one from 10 years ago, but that’s me. Ann Curry looks particularly spry this evening, and is for some reason referring to Carson Daly as her colleague.

7:02 – Leonardo DiCaprio welcomes us to the Meadowlands. If he’s to be believed, we might be in some trouble here with this global warming thing. Before introducing Al Gore, he name-dropped An Inconvenient Truth and girls hooted. Uh-oh.

7:04 – “Up Yours, Bush! I’ve got 2 billion fans here, sucker! Haha, and bands too! By the way, Leo DiCaprio’s in a new movie called 11th Hour, and thanks for making it, Leo.”

7:04 – Keith Urban cuts off Gore to play “Gimme Shelter,” and it sounds pretty good. Someone’s coming out for a duet, but they won’t say who.

7:05 – It’s Alicia Keys, looking awesome! Just think about all this beauty we’d lose if the world came to an end.

7:06 – Keith Urban is a nasty guitar player. Serviceable cover, for sure.

7:07 – Carson Daly looks really happy to be back with the mic in his hand soft-tossing questions to celebrities and musicians. He was TRL.

7:08 – Here’s Madonna in London, wearing black, in a cage of some sort, with gyrating dancers flailing all around her. She still looks damn good, a development I’m positive no one saw coming in 1984.

7:12 – And there’s the lead singer for Gogol Bordello! Haha, yes! Welcome to the big-time, sir.

7:13 – Whoopi Goldberg tells us how to eliminate greenhouse gases as we head into our first commercial break, sponsored by Chevy. Are we in store for some Oscar-level commercials this evening?

7:14 – Toothbrush commercial. It is still a Saturday night in July. Damn.

7:15 – If we answer the call and text AT&T, we might get our name on the show! I will not be joining others around the world making this same choice. Regular texting rates apply, of course.

7:18 – Dave Matthews Band! I forgot you guys existed. “Don’t Drink the Water,” though? I have a bad feeling the artists’ hands are going to be awful heavy this evening.

7:19 – And the texting ticker makes its first appearance! Sheep, all of you! I hope Erin F. from Springboro, Ohio is proud of herself. The ticker is completely distracting from Dave Matthews’ performance. Luckily enough, it’s Dave Matthews.

7:21 – Do people still launch sold-out Stadium Tours (aside from reunions like the Police this summer)? I remember seeing pictures of some of the lamest ‘80s bands selling out stadiums back in the day. Does this still happen? I’m honestly curious.

7:24 – Sting and his wife get an exclusive with Ann Curry. Sting, of course, has been socially conscious for years, and he’s happy everyone else is finally catching up to him.

7:25 – Sting looks mad his wife keeps talking. Oh, here he goes … as a rock star, he must do something large, but we can all do something small. It must be small, though, because we are not Sting.

7:26 – Chris Rock urges everyone in London to get “smaller-ass cars,” even though SUVs aren’t all that popular in the U.K.

7:28 – Does it make more sense for Chris Rock to introduce the Chili Peppers in London or New Jersey? Just wondering is all. Anthony Kiedis, of course, looks like a jackass.

7:31 – Our second commercial break, with “Age of Love” in the lead! Man, Mark Philippoussis went from being a highly regarded tennis prodigy to the befuddled stooge on a reality dating show. It’s a long way from the top, people.

7:35 – Answer the call, and you could get your name onscreen during tonight’s telecast!

7:38 – Somewhere there’s a guy who set up those Broward County ballot boxes tricking old Jewish people into voting for Pat Buchanan in 2000. I hope he was taken care of. If he doesn’t have a mansion and a fleet of Beamers, he got screwed.

7:40 – Foo Fighters! All right. “Times Like These.” Corny intro beside the point, Dave Grohl rocks, dude.

7:41 – Just got a message from my friend Javi asking what Live Earth is. That makes several of the biggest music fans I know, not to mention all the people they know who hadn’t told them, that have no idea this thing is happening right now. That might go some way towards explaining why the Wembley crowd in London is packed and there are empty spots all over East Rutherford. But let’s focus on what’s important: Dave Grohl rocks, dude.

7:43 – First douche-bag sighting of the night: Hello, Zack Braff. Fittingly, he introduces John Mayer. My money was on the Shins changing our lives.

7:44 – The ticker has only been activated thus far during John Mayer and Dave Matthews. My roommate Dan has a theory on this: White-washed douche-funk people will easily allow themselves to be distracted from. He might be onto something.

7:45 – Randy Jackson rocking out to John Mayer! What did he do to get famous again?

7:46 – Shaun White is a bad dude. In a year and a half, he went from snowboarding prodigy to multiple gold medals to working with Scorsese and a bunch of much-better looking people in American Express commercials. Nicely done, sir. He’s Bizarro Philippoussis.

7:50 – Richie Sambora and Jon Bon Jovi, the Kings of New Jersey. Sambora needs an undershirt. Suppose they are in New Jersey, though, so he gets a pass this time.

7:51 – Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood apparently set up the stage on the National Mall in Washington themselves. Hey, everyone wants to do their part.

7:53 – An older woman exhorts us to use more efficient fluorescent light bulbs, keep our tires inflated, and use fewer napkins, all while giving us loads of eye-crossing statistics. Glad we have Ann Curry here: Carson Daly couldn’t handle something like this.

7:55 – Shakira, live from Germany. Twenty bucks on “Hips Don’t Lie.”

7:55 – Damn right! Pay up. Those hips don’t lie, honey, you’re absolutely right. She’s lucky she’s got those hips, though, because she’s a pretty terrible live singer. All that concentration on the hips, I’m thinking.

8:00 – After some early restraint, the commercials are coming fast and furious.

8:00 – What a weekend for London, huh? Live Earth, the beginning of the Tour de France and Wimbledon. I feel bad for the tourists sleeping at the bus station because they didn’t see this coming.

8:04 – The Black Eyed Peas wonder “Where is the love?” And I wonder “Do I know anyone who owns a Black Eyed Peas album?” They certainly aren’t winning fans with this performance. Arrested Development had the multi-gendered hip-hop thing down much better. They still finding work?

8:10 – Wow, that was painful. But in a wonderful gift from the show’s director, we get more Alicia Keyes to follow! Singing Marvin Gaye to boot! “Mercy Mercy Me,” indeed, Ms. Keyes.

8:11 – Corinne Bailey Rae takes a verse. Don’t know anything about her, but I’m willing to learn if that voice is any indication. And there’s John Legend next to her! This R&B supergroup almost made me forget about the Black Eyed Peas. Almost.

8:13 – Does Alicia Keyes flying to New York to play with Keith Urban after this performance in London add up to her doing her part to answer the call? So we should fly all over the world singing songs now? I thought we were supposed to think small. 8:16 – Do your part to answer the call, and you may get your name on screen during the show! Join others around the world making this same choice. I’ll bet that ticker comes back during … Linkin Park. Maybe Bon Jovi.

8:19 – Antarctica’s entry to the show. These guys sound all right for having spent all their time on the bottom of the world. I’m kind of worried about the guy without a coat on, but those penguins look most entertained.

8:20 – Ludacris has learned a lot about this whole climate crisis thing in the last year while lending his celebrity to what’s going on. I’m sensing a theme here. Carson politely thanked him for answering the call.

8:22 – Genesis got an early-afternoon gig in London. At least the band is on the bill, right? I don’t have the heart to make another joke, so it’s time for a cigarette.

8:26 – NBC anticipated the viewing audience’s cigarette/sandwich runs and wisely took a commercial break following Genesis’ performance. It’s the little things that keep us watching.

8:28 – Another Al Gore sighting, back with his old buddy Ann Curry. Man, we all shit the bed seven years ago. Gore just formally announced that this is the largest global entertainment event in human history. In all fairness, it would have been tough for the Romans or the British Empire to do something like this, but hey, congratulations everybody. We sure showed those Live 8 clowns what’s up.

8:30 – All of us Americans are on board with this climate thing, but what about all those Chinese learning to be consumers for the first time? They had a show in Shanghai, I know, but I hear there’s no Yellow River anymore.

8:31 – Al Gore doesn’t have time to run for president again because he is launching a GLOBAL CAMPAIGN TO END GLOBAL WARMING. We got it, man.

8:33 – Jack Johnson in Sydney. After busting his head surfing 10 years ago, he has made a nice life for himself. Dan calls him our Jackson Browne. I’m inclined to agree in light of his perfectly harmless pop offering. And here comes Wolfmother, the exact opposite of Jack Johnson. I’ll bet this Sydney show was a damn good time.

8:34 – I finally realized who Crowded House is! “Hey now, hey now, don’t dream it’s over …” Glad I got that settled, it’s been bothering me for some time.

8:35 – Back in America, Kelly Clarkson takes the stage with “Since You’ve Been Gone.” And here comes the texting ticker! We should’ve seen this coming, in all honesty.

8:39 – Beastie Boys took the London stage in gangster suits, with Ad Rock looking an awful lot like Elvis Costello. “Sabotage.” They had their own global concert some years back for Tibet, and though Al Gore showed them how it’s done with Live Earth, at least they answered the call.

8:46 – Global warming threatens massive devastation to the planet. Scientists warn, in short, of human suffering. Cut to Rosario Dawson telling us that nothing can stop us from stopping global warming. That said, she’s so honored to introduce a true artist of conscience … Kanye West!

8:47 – And really, what other song would he play, what other song has the worldwide message he’s seeking to impart to the masses, than “Gold Digger,” with an edited chorus and full string section. Get down, girl, go ahead, get down and answer the call.

8:50 – China highlights! All right! China apparently has a vibrant music scene, with acts ranging from traditional to techno, rock to pop balladry. No idea what any of these people are saying, but Dan and I want tickets for next year’s Live Earth Shanghai. Maybe we’ll be able to find where they’re hiding the Yellow River.

8:52 – Hello, Kevin Bacon. What the hell? He here so we can add Carson Daly to Six Degrees?

8:53 – Duran Duran, live from London. Eh, couldn’t care less about Duran Duran, so here’s a question: “Livin’ on a Prayer” or “Wanted Dead or Alive” when Bon Jovi plays? This is important, people. Answer the call. Simon Le Bon’s rocking that tambourine, by the way, and the 35-year-old divorcees are swooning.

8:57 – Robert Redford has a new show on the Sundance Channel about going green, because he owns all things Sundance and there’s no way he’s going to let Al Gore steal his liberal, socially-conscious thunder! He was in All the President’s Men, Al. What did you ever do?

9:00 – Aw, the Empire State Building used green lights tonight. That’s nice. Lots of lights on in that skyscraper, though.

9:03 – Off to Johannesburg for the African leg. Joss Stone is for real, people: She can wail. If you ever cared about soul music, she’s the new guard. Those of you humping Amy Winehouse right now need to check Joss Stone out and see how it’s done.

9:06 – More Alicia Keyes, doing a special interview with Carson Daly. Apparently she hates cynicism. I’m sorry, Alicia, but this relationship might not work out if you keep talking like that.

9:07 – Well hello Metallica! A little testosterone up your ass, courtesy of “Enter Sandman.” I thought they all hated each other!

9:09 – “Sleep with one eye open, gripping your pillow tight! Exit light, enter night! Take my hand. We’re off to Never Never Land.” On second thought, is this really the song we should be rocking out to right now? If we’re all going to hell, James Hetfield better drive the bus.

9:11 – Hey, did you hear about this iPhone thing? I don’t know much about it, but it looks pretty cool. Do they work with Verizon plans?

9:15 – Here we go, Bon Jovi time … playing some weak-ass new song! Bullshit! What a cop-out! People outside of New Jersey care about Bon Jovi for exactly two songs, “Livin’ on a Prayer” and “Wanted Dead or Alive,” not the lame new country album. Button your shirt, Richie, you’re an embarrassment. All of you should be ashamed of yourselves, trying to sell records at a time like this. They danced along in Jersey, but you’re dead to everyone else. It’s official: Bon Jovi is the lamest band in the universe.

9:19 – Bon Jovi did not answer the call.

9:20 – Roger Waters reunited Pink Floyd two years ago for Live 8. Apparently he didn’t feel the need this time around. Does that mean that Live 8 was more important than Live Earth? Going by the empirical evidence, I’d say yes. Still got that floating pig, though, and God bless him for it. “Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2.”

9:28 – Dead Zone all around right now. There’s only so much genuine concern you can stand in one sitting. Thirty-two minutes left, and Dan has started yelling at commercials, which have switched from interesting national ones to local car insurance ones.

9:30 – Off to Kyoto. The director cared so much about the Japanese show that they gave us exactly one performance, by a traditional act, before cutting to Cameron Diaz in really short shorts. Cameron Diaz, by the way, is an idiot. And possibly wasted. She’s right, though: It is crazy how much of a difference each one of us can make.

9:33 – Back to Madonna. They’ve run out of new acts other than the Police to show us. She’s passionately singing her new Live Earth-themed single, “Hey You.” Open your heart, you’ve got to change, it’s not so strange this time.

9:36 – Roger Waters’ kids looked cooler than Madonna’s.

9:37 – Back to Japan, this time for Linkin Park. The Japanese enjoy Linkin Park. Not so sure they would’ve worked in Shanghai or Johannesburg, or that they should get a full song in the last half-hour of the show.

9:39 – In other news, Miller High Life is a delicious, modestly priced beer. Yes, Linkin Park is still playing. No, there’s nothing interesting to report.

9:40 – You may be surprised to learn you’re not alone in your concern about the climate crisis. You may also be surprised to learn that the above pronouncement came after two hours and forty minutes of being told how 2 billion people around the world are answering the call. We just saw footage of Lenny Kravitz. This is not heading in the right direction.

9:44 – Lenny Kravitz. Awesome. “Let Love Rule” is a pretty great song, though, I have to give him that. That texting ticker is up and running, of course. Rich P. from Miami just smiled broadly to all his friends and said something along the lines of, “See, dude! There it is! Hahahahaha!” Answer the call. We can all do something.

9:49 – Cameron Diaz is lucky she has amazing legs, which allows her to get her money’s worth of face time while introducing the Police. Let’s get on with it, Blondie.

9:50 – John Mayer’s playing with the Police. “Message in a Bottle.”

9:51 – Sting just seems like a generally odious person. Stuart Copeland and Andy Summers have received ZERO face-time, by the way. John Mayer is apparently more important to the Police than the two members not named Sting.

9:52 – And here comes Kanye to freestyle. An all-star finale sending Live Earth home with all the firepower it can muster! Sorry, but that’s what they want every commentator to say. May as well give it to them and be on our way.

9:54 – Oh, wait! There’s Andy! Hey, all right! There’s room for the weird-looking guys. I think the director realized they were snubbing the rest of the Police, because we just got an up-close of Stuart, too. No doubt they came around begrudgingly.

9:58 – So here we are, it’s come to an end. And though we saw Madonna twice and plenty of commercials for horrible NBC summer television, we did not see anything from THE SMASHING PUMPKINS! Talk about your all-time snubs. That is huge. Ann Curry is telling us that even an event of this magnitude can’t save the world from the problems posed by global warming … So why did I watch, Ann!? You lied to me, NBC!

9:59 – They are sending us home with a moving version of “What a Wonderful World” performed by an apparently drunk Paolo Nutini. A dose of smaller, lesser-known bands in place of ones like Lenny Kravitz and Linkin Park would’ve added quite a bit to this telecast. Smaller bands like the Smashing Pumpkins.

So that’s it. The television presentation was pretty much exactly what I expected it to be: an entertaining couple of hours followed by a painful ending section chockfull of commercials and smarminess. It’s been a long three hours, and I’m pretty well-spent. But the important thing is that we all Answer the Call. We can lick this global warming thing together. Reuse your towels, change your light bulbs, buy a Hybrid, listen to Al Gore and do your part.

Answer the call. Answer the call. Answer the call. Regular texting rates apply.