Lou Pearlman Pleads Guilty to Financial Raping

Boy band butt-boy Lou Pearlman has found himself in tons of shit. The former ‘NSync and Backstreet Boys manager is set to plead guilty to fraud tomorrow in Orlando after duping several investors to give money to fake companies he created. He used a Ponzi scheme in which money raised from later investors were used to pay off earlier ones. Deciphering whatever the hell that means isn’t that interesting or cool at all – but what is cool is that the alleged teen boy toucher could spend up to 25 years in jail for it.

Pearlman – or “Big Poppa” as he liked to be called by his minions - has been conning major investors since Justin Timberlake was born. He promised that Trans Continental Enterprises – a company he created only on paper – would garner the 1,400 investors he conned thousands of dollars, but only duped them out of around $300 million, total. He probably pocketed an addition $150 million which is sure to have been what banked the oversized sexual svengali his private Gulfstream jet, a Rolls-Royce Phantom and a Louis VIV bed, part of his 16,000-square-foot Florida home, which goes on auction Saturday.

Pearlman’s failed attempt at fleeing authorities landed him in a Florida jail last June after being arrested in Bali. He’s since been rotting in an Orange County cell, while his belongings go on auction. They are still in high demand so for your chance at cashing in at Pearlman’s expense, go on over to eBay to bid on his business degree, a flying plane made of Coke cans, and a picture of himself hovering in at about 300lbs in front of The Original Pancake House – pun not included. If charged, the plump predator would face a fine of $1 million, in addition to paying back all the money he owes to the companies he cheated. What’s that they say about karma?