MTV may be home to a slew of misguided reality programs, but they do occasionally show music videos. Like, say, at 3:00am when you get tired of browsing through infomercials. The popular awards show returns to its hometown of New York for the 23rd Annual VMA’s, with hairy Tenacious D rocker Jack Black as its tour guide.

The show will be televised tonight from 8:00-11:00pm, where they will squeeze in hours of performances, award-giving, and of course, fashion faux pas. MTV recently turned 25, so they are also likely to throw a nice self-congratulatory tribute into the mix. Whip out the buttered popcorn and reeses pieces—it’s going to be a long (and hopefully semi-entertaining) evening.

CB Music will be live at the event (okay not really, more like home in our pj’s) so we’ll be giving you the scoop on the performances and award winners as they come. Why wait until after the show when you can hear all the nitty gritty as it unfolds?

Here We Go:

*Justin Timberlake bursts onto the stage wearing a grey suit, flailing around like a robot crossed with a flopping chicken. Over techno beats, he hits those girly high notes he is known for, as the women in the audience shriek with delight. He performs "Sexyback," a song which is topping the charts but lacks a catchy chorus. Still, let's be real, the guy can work a crowd with ease. When he says, "get your sexy on," you just might want to, in spite of yourself.

Best Male Video:
James Blunt: "You're Beautiful"

You know that song you keep hearing on the radio, whether you want to or not? Well, it just won for Best Male Video. Sorry Nick Lachey: You just can't catch a break this year. Stop trying.

Best Hip Hop Video:
Black Eyed Peas: "My Humps"

The single most annoying song of the year takes the prize for Best Hip Hop Video, because people can't get enough of staring at Fergie. Don't be greedy Jamie Foxx or Three 6 Mafia: You already have Oscars on your mantels. No room to squeeze a moon-man.

*Shakira, wearing a skimpy arabian nights pink get-up, hits the stage with Wyclef Jean for the song "Hips Don't Lie." I'm not a big fan of the latina hot tamale (I haven't yet forgiven her for "Whenever, Wherever") but thankfully, Wyclef does most of the rapping and makes it bearable. At the very end, it looks like they are going to make out...but they refrain. And they say rockstars have no self control, ha!

Best Female Video:
Kelly Clarkson: "Because of You"

The American Idol winner scores the win for her video "Because Of You," where she emotes from a bed and holds hands with a young child. Fascinating. She couldn't be there to accept the award (hot date, maybe?) so the presenters take it on her behalf. A flash to Christina Aguilera's pissed off face is worth the whole ordeal.

*Ludacris and Pharrell rap the tune "Money Maker," which appropriately has bling flashing on the screen in the background. Many scantily-clad women dance around on stage, like exotic dancers at a wild Vegas party that you weren't invited to. I hear the line "I keep my mind on my money, money on my mind" which seems pulled from Snoop Dogg's tune "Gin & Juice," but hey, sharing is caring. The money maker in question is naturally, the glorious backside.

~Thank Heavens For Small Favors: Jessica Simpson presents, but doesn't sing. Instead, she completely fumbles her lines and says she knows how to "push her tush." Congratulations; now learn the English language.

Best Dance Video:
Pussycat Dolls featuring Snoop Dogg: "Buttons"

Anyone else see these girls and expect them to burst into the "Fanta" commercial theme song? Yeah, maybe it's just me. Well they won and they owe the aforementioned Snoop Dogg some props for chipping in.

*A very creative video re-enactment by the band Ok Go wins my vote for most fun so far in the broadcast. The guys bounce around from treadmill to treadmill doing an oddly choreographed gig. It's very strange indeed, and strange is a beautiful thing.

*In contrast, the band All-American Rejects appears and lives up to their name. I don't know if you can call this out-of-sync emo moaning "music", but in any case, the Advil is calling my name.


Best Pop Video:
Pink: "Stupid Girls"

Her mockery of brainless pop sensations takes home the trophy, and deservedly so. Pink has attitude and doesn't yield to the cookie cutter industry. She's like that cool girl back in high school that you would smoke up with in the locker room. Plus she would probably whoop some MTV ass if she lost, so all the more reason we should celebrate her victory.

Best Rap Video:
Chamillionaire featuring Krayzie Bone: "Ridin'"

Kudos to Chamillionaire, who gave a very gracious and enthusiastic speech.

*It wouldn't be an award ceremony without Beyonce standing front and center. This time, she performs "Ring The Alarm," with an excrusiating alarm sounding off in the background. Thankfully, it makes the music harder to hear. It's safe to say this is not one of her better songs, and she didn't have the best collection in the first place. Too bad main-squeeze Jay-Z doesn't jump on stage and grab the mic.

*The next performance by T.I. also starts with an alarm, but it fizzles out. Phew. The word "King" flashes in the back and they sing "I know all about that" at least 200 times.


Best Group Video:
All-American Rejects: "Move Along"

Their live performance earlier was bad enough, and now they are also big winners of the evening. What is the world coming to? My poor, bleeding ears.

*Panic at the Disco!, with a lead singer dressed like the Mad Hatter from Alice In Wonderland, sings "I Write Sins Not Tragedies." Their song is pretty catchy and they have a lot of refreshing weirdness to throw around. One of the better performances of the evening, based on sheer oddness alone.

Best New Artist in a Video:
Avenged Sevenfold: "Bat Country"

The tattooed bunch rejoice and thank the God they may or may not believe in.

~Via satellite, Britney and K-Fed pretend to be white trash...only they're not really acting.

Best R&B Video:
Beyonce featuring Slim Thug & Bun B: "Check On It (Pink Panther)"

The ex-Destiny's child is on a roll tonight. Her ego would have it no other way.

*The Video Vanguard Award goes to: video-master Hype Williams. And Sarah Silverman gives a hilarious speech to Paris Hilton, about how she should lose some weight, since you can't see the bones in her back. "You're supposed to be Paris Hilton, not Paris France!" she declares. Priceless.

*Christina Aguilera showers off the skank and gets back to basics for the soulful song "Hurt." Sitting in a sparkly red dress with an orchestra behind her, she belts out heartfelt lyrics that remind people of her extraordinary talent. She's a little lady with a booming voice, and her performance is definitely a high point of the night.

Best Rock Video:
A.F.I.: "Miss Murder"

Wow, didn't see this coming. They managed to beat some steep competition, including Green Day and Red Hot Chili Peppers. Flea should have ran out naked wearing a strategically-placed sock, to try and sway the odds in his favor. There's always next year.

*Tenacious D sings a little ditty about friendship. If the show hadn't been running for over 3 hours at this point, I just may have been awake enough to enjoy it.

Viewer's Choice Award:
Fall Out Boy: "Dance, Dance"

The pop punk band now has something to dance about. Although they don't really look like the dancing types. Oh, the irony.

~Side Note: Why did Jennifer Lopez pay a homeless gypsy woman to dress her?

Video of the Year:
Panic! At The Disco: "I Write Sins Not Tragedies"

And with a final performance by The Killers, it ends. Finally. 3 hours and 30 minutes later.

Thanks for reading our coverage of the overlong ceremony. Check out TV Blend's rundown of the VMAs here, and Celeb Stink's complete lack of interest here. Feel free to leave your comments on the show below. Who do you think deserved to win? Who made you want to boycott MTV forever?

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