Mariah Carey Lights Up New York, Depression Rate Rises

Mariah Carey is good at publicity, and she doesn’t even have her own reality TV show, yet.

Despite committing herself in 2001 for psychological issues after passing out popsicles on MTV, this week Carey has surpassed anyone’s expectations of an E! True Hollywood Story a la Whitney Houston. Not only did she have the highest album debut sales of her career for E=MC2, the Empire State Building was lit in her honor yesterday. Go ahead, read it again. Yesterday, the Empire State Building was lavender, pink, and white to commemorate the success of Carey’s new album and her overall career, according to Music-News.com.

For all who don’t know, the Empire State Building is occasionally lit to honor certain national holidays, green for St. Patrick’s Day, green and red for Christmas, etc. Apparently the Big Apple is so desperate for good press that Mariah Carey is the best hope it has for a messiah, what with the governor trafficking whores, the Mets and Yankees licking their elbows last season, and Isaiah Thomas raping the Knicks of any self-respect. The city is even able to overlook Glitter, an embarrassment to anyone with even the most remote ties to Carey, in favor of timely positivity, no matter how small or irrelevant. Expect Times Square to be renamed after Jay-Z once video of Mayor Bloomberg giving a donkey a rimjob surfaces.