Marky Ramone Can Still Get Inside Chicks

Stop me when this hits too close to home. You head out to the bars and spot an unfortunate looking trollop in a white dress stained with Mountain Dew and SoCo giving you the up-and-over a few times. “No way in hell,” you think to yourself, before pounding three Jager shots and washing ‘em down with an Admiral Nelson on the rocks. You fire through half a fifth and begin scanning the bar. Suddenly, you spot a gorgeous beauty in a white dress with green and dark red polka dots. “Oh, hell yeah,” you think to yourself before buying her a danish and hailing a cab.

You quietly tiptoe downstairs because well, there’s no reason to wake the wife and turn on The Rascals but are horrified when your new friend belligerently reveals her love for The Temptations. Oh well. A perfect figure and solid musical tastes don’t often carry the same alleles. After a few minutes of fumbled groping, she asks if you have a condom. You reach behind your bookshelf and pull out a new box of Trojans. She’s angry. She calls you uncool and storms out.

Sounded familiar, huh? Well, now there’s a new brand of rubbers sure to please every woman with a broken moral compass and obvious, unoriginal musical tastes: The Marky Ramone Too Tuff To Break Condom. That’s right, aging former punk. We all know your spouse won’t go near anything this vile and uncleanly, but the skeeze you’ve been eyeing every Friday night at that dive bar on the Jersey Shore will love it. Who knows, her nineteen year old daughter might even want Marky Ramone inside her too.

According to Pitchfork, the rubbers are currently available and also come with a small container of lube. Don’t get too excited, though. The lubricant is not made from grease squeezed off Marky’s Ramone’s unwashed hair.