Mixtape Madness: Exposing A Friend To Good Music

Ladies and gentleman, Mixtape Madness is back, on a mission from God. We’ve got a full tank of gas, half a packet of cigarettes, it’s dark, and we’re wearing sunglasses. Hit it.

So, I have this friend. For the purposes of this article and his own secrecy, we’ll call him Carlson because that’s his real name. To put it nicely, Carlson has shitty, appalling taste in music. He almost exclusively listens to untalented, goofy-haired bands like The Used, Taking Back Sunday, and Thrice. This is offensive not only to good taste but also to this writer because he frequently has parties, and I’m forced to sit through off-key screaming and sophomoric, I-hate-my-life musings. Recently, he asked me if I’d make him a mixtape of oldies to help him diversify his Windows Media Player library. Naturally, I agreed, and here I am, trying to right almost thirty-five hundred wrong songs with twenty gems. Not the easiest task to undertake, but the Ethiopians once whipped the shit out of Italy without guns.

What follows is a list of the fifteen songs I have chosen. You can doubt, second guess, even send me hurtful emails, but I’m fairly certain you will at least agree these tracks are a step in the right direction and a nice introduction to all things beautiful and decent about music...

Disclaimer: For some reason, amidst all the heinous screamo, Carlson has forty Rolling Stones tracks and a Steve Miller Band album. Shocking, I know. So, that is why you will not see “Paint It Black” or “The Joker” on this exhaustive compilation.

1) The Turtles- So Happy Together: Possibly the happiest unrequited love song ever written, The Turtles ode to lusting after a random hot girl is pure serotonin-fueled fun. I dare anyone to put this track on and not sing along. It’s impossible. Just tap your foot and belt out the chorus.

2) Robert Palmer- Addicted To Love: Sooner or later, you’re gonna have to face it this song is awesome. Endlessly parodied and possibly a bit over-the-top, Robert Palmer’s horrifyingly catchy anthem to love has a lot more going on than you probably remember. There’s some pretty good guitar work and even a sweet fade out/ fade back in.

3) The Beach Boys- God Only Knows: I may not always love you. But long as there are stars above you, you never need to doubt it. I’ll make you so sure about it. God only knows what I’d be without you. If you should ever leave me, well, life would still go on believe me. Brian Wilson is a genius.

4) Ray Charles- Shake Your Tailfeather: The perfect song for 2 A.M. debauchery, Ray Charles’ classic (perfectly used in The Blues Brothers) is one of my favorite songs ever written. Because, seriously, who doesn’t want to see that tailfeather? Well, unless said tailfeather is attached to a fat chick; then, I don’t want it anywhere near me.

5) New York Dolls- Looking For A Kiss: Alright, maybe not the best song ever written, but this track is a must for anyone really into punk. Why? Because the entire genre can be traced back to the New York Dolls.

6) The Lovin’ Spoonful- Summer In The City: The best name ever conceived this side of The Strawberry Alarm Clock, I had a lot of trouble choosing between this and “Do You Believe In Magic?”, but at the end of the day, who can’t get behind this song’s message: Go out and find a girl? I’m already on board.

7) The Hollies- Long Cool Woman In A Black Dress: Another message I’m down with, this song has it all: the F.B.I., gun fights, and a smokin’ hot vixen sauntering about town in an ogle-worthy getup.

8) Paul Simon- Me And Julio Down By The Schoolyard: What’s against the law? We may never know, but mamma is pissed and pappa’s gonna stick him in the house of detention. That Julio is a bad influence. Also a bad influence, Royal Tenenbaum. He corrupted more than one child doing unlawful acts while this song blared in the background. Good for you, Royal. Good for you.

9) The Zombies- Time Of The Season: What’s your name? Who’s your daddy? Is he rich like me? Enough said.

10) .38 Special- Hold On Loosely: One of the most logical love songs ever written, “Hold On Loosely” is an overprotective alpha male’s worst nightmare. Just hold on loosely, but don’t let go. If you cling too tightly, you’re gonna lose control. So true. Such an awesome song.

11) Peter Gabriel- Sledgehammer: Who ever knew Peter Gabriel was such a sexual God? This song should really be called thirty euphemisms for fornication. I wonder how many girls actually opened up their fruit cages after hearing this song? I’d guess a lot.

12) Eddie Cochran- Summertime Blues: Ohh to be sixteen again. As awesome as having responsibility is, there’s just something magical about being in high school, working some dead end job, and blowing all the money on booze and women.

13) The Beatles- I Feel Fine:In retrospect, this entire compilation probably should have been all Beatles songs, but this seems just as good a place to start as anywhere else. Besides, I’ve never heard a song that did more in two minutes and eighteen seconds than this one. I’d pay a thousand dollars for a new Beatles record right now.

14) Foghat- Slow Ride: It feels a little strange following up the Beatles with Foghat, but this song is fucking awesome. If you don’t believe me, pop in your copy of Dazed And Confused.

15) The Four Tops- I Can’t Help Myself (Sugar Pie Honey Bunch): The ultimate group sing-a-long. Why don’t people release feel good tracks like this anymore? I’d buy them immediately and listen incessantly.