New Britney Single Not A Hit With Parents

In a world where it's okay to talk about "supermanning hoes", when did a little wordplay hurt anyone? If a cheeto-loving mother of two wants to sing a gender-normative anthem about her sex appeal, who is going to stop her? The answer: your mom.

Fans were delighted and the Parents Television Council was enraged as "If U Seek Amy" was declared the third single from Britney Spears' Circus. Now I'm not going to employ the "say it fast, say it slow" tactics other writers have been resorting to. If you don't know what the song title means by now, you're not just living under a rock--you're living under a boulder. A boulder of naivety.

The song was produced by Max Martin, the man who previously brought us such beloved guilty pleasures as "...Baby One More Time" and "Oops!... I Did It Again". From the moment I heard Circus, it was clear that this magical atrocity was destined to be a hit. But is censorship the only thing holding "Amy" back from fulfilling that destiny?

Consider this. Max Martin has been behind some of the brattiest chart-topping pop hits, most recently Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl" and Pink's "So What". As this piece is being written, Kelly Clarkson is making a comeback. And who does she have to thank? The same man who produced her 2004 brilliance "Since U Been Gone". You guessed it, Max Martin. As "My Life Would Suck Without You" begins it's inevitable pop domination, it remains questionable whether two of Martin's songs can co-exist at the top of the charts. There's only room for one pop diva on these charts, and a little bit of angst always tramples a whole lot of naughty.

Speaking of naughtiness, some genius from Britney's team has cooked up a half-baked compromise to parents' complaints. By removing a letter, the song will be entitled "If U See Amy". The change isn't one that Spears fans can believe in, as they've whined incessantly that the song becomes nonsensical with this edit. But did a song with verses about a chick named Amy and a chorus about fucking ever make sense? Look elsewhere if "U" seek substance. As she said in "Womanizer", Brit's got "our crazy", and we can only tolerate her by indulging in the lunacy.


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