New Metallica Album May Just Be Nutty Enough

The upcoming Metallica album is going to be nutty. Yes, nutty. Not stressed out like an insomniac squirrel trying to open a jar of Planter’s nutty, no, that would be too much. This one’s gonna be gonna be sane, epic nutty like, well, I’m not exactly sure like what. You’d have to ask Lars Ulrich.

In a conference call with reporters Thursday to promote this year’s Bonnaroo Music Festival, Ulrich spoke about the new album and its nuttiness.

“We sort of promised ourselves that unlike all the records we made in the '90s, [which] were just completely stressed-out and just nutty, that we were gonna try and have a little more sane environment -- and we've actually, surprising mostly to ourselves, been able to keep to that, “ Ulrich said.

Ok, so the new album isn’t gonna sound like the beer-goggled bar brawl that became the crutch the band has grown dependent on. It’s gonna be more like sitting around your basement with friends and splitting a case of O’Doul’s, because you don’t get have to get wasted to enjoy the taste.

The new album is “definitely pretty all over the place. There's a lot of variation, a lot of fast, slow, melodic ... kind of hardcore, nutty super-fast speed stuff. It's a little more like how some of the earlier records were a little more dynamic within the songs."

Oh. Shit. So, it is gonna be like splitting a case of O’Doul’s with friends in your basement. And you and your friends used to be in a band and are trying to reach back to your early days of ripping riffs, hammering drums, and snarling songs while hot girls shriek in ecstasy. Except now you and your friends are middle-aged and the only girls who shriek when you play are your wife and daughter, and they’re not shrieking in ecstasy. Unless you and your friends are members of one of the most legendary metal bands of all time. Then the girls who shriek are your daughter’s age and wear miniskirts and crop tops. Then you can still play like your early days. Let’s hope.

“These are long songs ... we're talking seven-minute, eight-minute, nine-minute nutty-ass songs. We don't make them long or short on purpose; you just kind of do what feels natural.”

Finally! The next link in the chain that started with Master of Puppets! But wait. What if it’s just the sequel to St. Anger? What if Rick Rubin couldn’t pull some prime metal madness out of Lars and the boys? Nah, that’s just nutty.