Paramore Squashes Break-Up Rumors

Everything is okay. The Universe is still expanding. The douche bags in size 28 jeans at the emo middle school lunch table can stop moping. Paramore is not breaking up. Hayley Williams is not sperminated, and she still has an open invitation to marry me at any point in the future.

The internet has been abuzz with fanatic freak-outs the last few days after Paramore cancelled the rest of their European Tour citing “internal issues.” I’ll be the first to admit this statement isn’t exactly a pledge to go on in musical bliss forever, but as Blink-182 could tell you, talking about problems when they arise is always better than harboring concerns for a few years before all parties bellow I fucking hate you.

According to MTV, Paramore has taken down the blog post in question and replaced it with a reassuring we-just-got-stuff-we-need-to-discuss-message. How optimistic! I give them eighteen months before they call it quits, and Hayley Williams sells out, whoring herself out to the man in an attempt to become Avril Lavigne II and make those dollar bills. Here’s to hoping she never loses the haircut.