Point/Counterpoint: The Osmond Family

Come one, come all. It’s the first ever ‘CB Music Point/Counterpoint’, the only semi-regular column in which I, the heroic editor, will shed the gloves and slug it out with one of my employees. Expect a few bruised knuckles, at least one bloody nose, and a resentment to begin lingering over the entire Cinema Blend staff. This week’s topic? Well, the Osmond Family, of course.

As I’m sure most of you have heard, George Osmond, the family patriarch, died yesterday after losing a long battle with old man disease. He was ninety. I’ve never really been a fan of the Mormon singers, but CB writer Lester K. Callahan swears by the Bible-thumping troupe. Naturally, we squared off in both hand-to-hand and verbal combat. Simultaneous mace attacks rendered both of us unable to continue fighting (or typing) but luckily, we had a scribe on hand to type out our hateful, mean-spirited words.

Lester K. Callahan: It’s becoming increasingly common for both the media and closed-minded audiences to cast off the Osmonds, even discard them as nothing more than a pop culture footnote. Sure, the notion of a loving family singing cute, upbeat songs is a little corny (and maybe even old-fashioned), but isn’t that down-home bliss a welcome alternative to the morally offensive rap our children are currently hit over the head with?

And those voices! I don’t think I’ve ever heard Donny, Marie, Merrill, Jimmy, Jay, Wayne, or Alan miss a note. Listening to the four older brothers harmonize is like a gift from God. I only wish they toured in the United States more! It’s not all pre-packaged pop either. Crazy Horses, the Osmonds’ 1972 release, is fast-paced and musically sophisticated. And who could possibly forget the depth Marie showed with her cover of “Paper Roses?” Combining a little bit of country and a little bit of rock n roll, the entire Osmond family captured not only my heart but all of Americas. George was a living legend, and he will truly be missed.

Mack Rawden:Let’s face it: The Osmond family was nothing more than a clan of semi-talented goody-goodies who achieved marginal fame by fucking with the moral compass of America. Being a nice person doesn’t improve one’s voice, and it certainly doesn’t give them humorous comedic timing! Anyone who watched Donny & Marie can attest to that. If you’re so concerned with the wholesome nature of musicians, why don’t you pay a couple nuns twenty bucks to bang their tits together and yodel for an hour and a half? Using most Christians’ ethics barometers, they’d probably be the best band in the world.

Are the Osmonds the worst band in the world? No. But do they deserve to be lauded as one of the best pop acts of the twentieth century? Not even close. They’re so overrated it sickens me. And the worst part is, you can’t criticize them without some Jesus-monger calling you a blasphemous cynic. Well, fuck God and fuck the Osmonds. Smash Mouth has done more to enrich my life than they ever will.

What Do You Think Of The Osmond Family?

• I love them.
• I hate them.
• I am indifferent.

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