Police Arm Themselves Against Girls

Oh those Jonas Brothers, as sharply dressed as they are filthy rich. Police in New York City, worried about a possible itty bitty tittie committee mob scene, have called in reinforcements to prevent both teen and pre-teen girls from going wild at the upcoming Jonas Brothers New Year’s Eve concert. God forbid my twelve year old cousin unleashes high-pitched screams upon Time Square.

According to People, the festivities will be hosted by one hundred and ninety-six year old Dick Clark with a little help from American Idol face Ryan Seacrest. I won’t be in attendance as I don’t live in New York City, like seventeen degree weather or have a particular inclination to see the Jonas Brothers live, as great as they may be.

A sketch artist was brought in to help law enforcement quickly identify possible assailants. The results can be found below. If you see any of these dangerous individuals in the crowd, please alert Barney Fife immediately.

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