Is anyone else sick of Britney Spears and her inability to adhere to societal rules? It’s almost as if she’s inhabiting a parallel universe where mothering your children is a ten minute job and low calorie salads aren’t readily available. I actually feel bad for her. She scurries around Hollywood every night, ingesting obscene amounts of average Cosmopolitans in an attempt to briefly forget how pathetic and without purpose her life truly is. Occasionally, though, these drunken excursions don’t fully numb the pain, leaving a toxic void she readily plugs with a stranger’s semi-erect member. Do you feel beautiful now, Britney?

According to Music-News, the twenty-five year old Chernobyl has missed eight of her fourteen scheduled drug tests. Spears’ lawyer, Anne Kiley, defended her client, saying, ”Is the issue that Britney Spears needs to get up at 8.30am and answer the phone? She's a pop star with a number one album. She is not up that early.” Wow, I was almost convinced there, Anne. First of all, I’m not sure if you watch the news, but Britney does not have a number one album. She has a number two album which was t-bagged for the entire Long Road Out Of Eden by The Eagles. Secondly, are album sales directly proportional with the hour one rouses? I must have missed that Economics unit.

For the last few years, I’ve uttered some words in Britney’s defense. “She’s just sowing her wild oats.” “I like to eat cream cheese out of a big tub while sitting on my couch too.” But I can’t do it anymore. Actively defending Britney Spears is like speaking on behalf of Susan Smith. They’re both selfish chubby bitches who chose self-gratification over their children on a continual basis. Someone keep Britney away from John D. Long Lake.

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