Rant: Gene Simmons Continues To Suck At Life

I’m just going to the go for it, balls deep, if it were possible, and say Gene Simmons is a misinformed, ridiculous bastard whose head is so far stuck up his own ass that I’m fairly certain the last time he saw the light of day was around the same time the Vikings won a Super Bowl…oh wait. Even though the man may no longer be inciting pagan rituals with his mime-esque make-up and too-tight leather costumes, his mouth has only afforded to turn him into even more of a debacle. I’ve noted the man boasting in an article on Blender that he believes he has, “the dignity and ethics of a prostitute.” Quaint, right? In an interview released in Terry Gross’ book All I Did Was Ask , Simmons admits to his numerous innuendos with women by nonchalantly throwing out, “If you want to welcome me with open arms, I'm afraid you're also going to have to welcome me with open legs.” I didn’t exactly chortle having read that one. Granted, I do live in a world that is used to arrogant rock stars and will readily admit that Simmons is not horrifyingly obnoxious, albeit not always in good taste. Until today. Today, Simmons’ recent foray into the art of dithering has gotten me all hot and bothered, and not in a remotely good way.

Music-news.com has reported that Kiss has finished making albums, for good. This does not mean they will quit touring because, lets face it, the men of Kiss can still earn a bit of moolah jumping around like hooligans and strumming electric instruments in a licentious manner. So, why, heaven help us, will they not grace this wonderful world with further daring and ambitious musical endeavors? Well, Gene Simmons believes, “There's no new Kiss material because there's no record industry. Any band who tries to do new material is trying to climb a slippery mountain.”

Poor, poor word choice. Moot point, Mr. Simmons, but I think you mean slope, not mountain. Secondly, it’s difficult for a band, with or without talent, to break through, disregarding the form and function of the music industry at the time. Third, so what if recording companies are folding all over the place? It’s not like people weren’t making music before there was a recording industry, or, let’s say, radio, or go even further by noting that there was indeed music before there was a way to record it.

As if he could hear my rant, Simmons seemed to answer. His further statement revealed, “"Every day record companies are folding. It'd be nice to have new Kiss songs, but what's the business model? Do you just put songs on the Internet for free? Then what?'' Seriously??? Then, good sir, you have an established fan base and go on tour. If OK Go can become famous by making a Youtube video of band members gaily hopping around on treadmills, than I’m sure it’s possible, and even probable. I’m aware that music on the Internet has its pros and cons—it’s easier to find good music, but harder to get through all the shit—but obtaining quality music before the Internet was equally difficult, unless you were willing to take what the record companies were shelling out at face value.

I will say that Gene Simmons is no fool. I mean, Kiss was huge, and they still manage to play a monstrous amount of sold out shows where other bands struggle to fill a minute venue. Having fans that still desire to show up in droves to support a band that hasn’t released new material since 1998 must have taken years of hard work, as well as a competitive drive. What upsets me most, then, is that Gene Simmons is hiding the fact Kiss is no longer relevant (Unless you count throwing on “I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night” during a drunken sing-a-long) and, in the process, is insulting the future of music as a whole. What a self-absorbed prick. Just because he can’t keep churning out equally appealing albums like Tom Waits has accomplished for, like, forever, he blames the music industry. All Simmons needs to do is look around at his target audience- a wholesome bunch of haggard-looking forty and fifty-somethings who ride Harleys, have beer bellies, and watch Nascar on the weekends—to know that, while, yes, they can continue playing concerts (at least for a bit longer), the real reason they won’t continue to make albums is simple. Kiss is getting old and beginning to be forgotten. I think they know it, and I think it scares the piss out of em’.